


Oneirataxia

by Polarus



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Monika is the worst, Slow Burn, and also isnt the main focus so keep that in mind, real bad coding explanations. you have been warned, the monika/player is onesided, will update tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-02-19 09:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13121109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarus/pseuds/Polarus
Summary: “I don’t know.. I liked him—I really did… but when he confessed..” Sayori remembered the sinking pit in her gut, a weird creeping dread sinking through her skin like a virus and spreading through her veins. She remembered how it hurt to breath because suddenly it had felt like she forgotten and was drowning on the spot. “.. It hurt.. a lot.”ORMonika gets a second chance to fix what she screwed up.





	1. Hypophrenia

He said he loved her—she should feel happy, but she doesn’t.

Instead there’s a sinking feeling in her body and lead weighing down her bones.

  
Sayori’s waited her whole life for this, she’s loved him for so long after all, and she’d been building up to this moment for years. In her mind on a boring day in class or on her bed at night she would imagine intricate scenarios and perfect outcomes. What to say, what not to say, when to say it.. She would daydream about a passion filled confession during a sunset, where everything is ideal and everyone is happy. She would say “I love you” and he would say it back in a heart beat and they would make out or something.

  
Unfortunately that doesn’t happen.

  
~~It shouldn’t hurt this much~~

  
It shouldn’t hurt at all.

  
Isn’t this what she wanted?

  
Instead she’s walked in on him nearly kissing one of her friends (who had left quickly upon reading the situation) and now suddenly he had decided to confess.

  
She should feel happy, but right now she feels the farthest from it.

  
She gave him a vague answer, something along the lines of an “I’ll think about it” and with red-rimmed eyes and ragged breaths she walked home.

  
She fumbled with her keys, jingling accompanied by the occasional sniff. She found the house key, jamming it in the lock with more force than necessary, opened the door, and stepped inside.

  
The house is empty.

 

~~As always she's alone~~

  
No surprise there.

  
Her parents were rarely home, often at work or doing whatever it is boring adults did; like golfing, or something. She didn’t mind, not really. It just meant less nagging and more alone time for her. She slid off her shoes and trudged up the stairs before slumping on her bed.

  
She stared at the ceiling, counting the many dots that litter it.

  
What should she tell him?

  
An hour passes.

 

Any other day she would have said yes in a heart beat—and yet— _and yet…._

 

Two.

  
_Am I forgetting something?_

  
Three.

 

  
_Bzzzzzzzzzzt-bzzzzzzzzzzt-bzzzzzzzzzzt_

  
Her phone is ringing.

  
Sayori rolls over in her bed and thumbs the power button to check the caller ID only to be met with a call from Monika. _Maybe I could ask Monika for her opinion?_ The literature club president and former debate club president had grown to be a close friend and one of the wisest if not the most wise. _I hope it doesn’t annoy her.._

  
_Bzzzzzzzzzzzt-bzzzzz*click*_

  
“Hello?” Sayori mumbles groggily into the phone.

  
_“Wow you sound tired. Did you already forget?”_ Says Monika.

  
Crap.

  
“Ehe.. forget what?”

  
_“I need your help on the posters! Remember?”_ Oh.

  
Oh yeah-- Sayori had completely forgot about that. “Yeah I remember.”

  
“ _So I was thinking.. for the posters what color should we make them? I was thinking pink but I’d like another input you know?”_ “Mhm pink seems fine.” _“Great! Now—”_

  
They talked until the sun had gone down and the sky turned navy.  
On her desk lay a small stack of prototypes for the final poster. “So which one are we gonna print? You have some as well right?” Said Sayori.

  
_“Yeah. I was thinking we could both bring them all and compare. While we are there we could ask for Natsuki and Yuri’s input as well. Once we pick we could print them after school.”_

Time seemed to go so much faster when talking with Monika, Sayori wondered if it’s due to her foresight or her well earned social butterfly status. Possibly both.

  
Since the posters seemed near done she figured now was a good a time as any to ask for Monika’s advice. “H-Hey..um..” Sayori trailed off, unsure of how to word the question. _“What is it?”_ Monika urged gently.

  
_It’s now or never I guess_.

  
“You know the new member of the club I brought?”

  
_“..Your childhood friend right?”_

  
Sayori bit her lip, the anxiety from earlier returning. “Yup him—he confessed to me today..”

  
Silence.

  
Did Monika hang up?

  
A quick glance at her screen confirmed that no Monika didn’t leave her mid-call.

  
_“Do you like him back?”_ Her voice was oddly calculated and calm. It seemed unlike Monika’s normal laidback tone. Despite being alone in her room she felt as if she was on a stage, spotlight shining right on her face. Her leg bounced without her meaning it to, her jittering filling the quiet with white noise. If she was being completely honest with herself she really did like him, he was the reason she woke up every morning, the reason she ate, the reason she tried in school as sad as it seemed. While her parents were never around much he always was. An unmovable rock there to keep her grounded. Even though she had relied on him so often he would never complain. Just the thought of being without him...Her stomach twists in little knots and she can feel herself try to hide.

  
Unsure of what to say Sayori spoke the truth. “I think so..?” Deep down she really did think that if it weren’t for her odd mood change she would’ve happily said yes. Of course she still loved him but every cell in her body seemed to scream at her to say no.

  
They also seemed to be screaming something else—something much more pessimistic and deadly—Sighing, Sayori pushed the intrusive thoughts out of her head.

  
The phone’s speaker crackled softly with background noise from wherever Monika was. Feeling shivers throughout her body she pressed speaker and tossed the phone on her pillow, pacing about her room in an attempt to burn of the nervous energy. _“You ..think so?"_ Comes Monika’s confused (and slight accusatory) response.

  
“I don’t know.. I liked him—I really did… but when he confessed..” Sayori remembered the sinking pit in her gut, a weird creeping dread sinking through her skin like a virus and spreading through her veins. She remembered how it hurt to breath because suddenly it had felt like she forgotten and was drowning on the spot. “.. It hurt.. a lot.”

  
Monika made a humming noise over the phone, as she usually did when she was in deep thought. She heard a quiet mumble and odd shuffling noises, but was too exhausted to question it. _“Could you be ..afraid maybe?” Afraid?_ Well it was definitely possible. She was afraid of rejection: her friend deciding that she was too much of a burden after all. Afraid of being hurt: well.. it was too late for that, but the constant nagging in her voice telling her _“Say no! This is a BAD idea!”_ Seemed to drown out all positive thoughts. Afraid of being alone: the last thing she wanted was for him to leave her, she was scared that through her constant evading and pushing away he would go for good. “I guess… I just don’t wanna screw this up you know?” She said.  
“ _Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll make the right choice._ ” Monika said, before her voice was cut off with a beep.

  
…

  
…

  
She hung up?

  
That was odd. Sayori didn’t even get to say thanks and goodbye. A crushing and deafening silence filled the room, swallowing any noise except for the slight restless fidgeting she was doing. She trudged to her bed to confirm that Monika indeed hung up, before an alarming fear crept through her. Suddenly every out of place noise throughout her house put her on edge. 

_Is someone watching me?_

  
Paranoia locked up all her joints, making her too afraid to turn around.  
The noise of static could be heard. It couldn’t have been coming from her TV as she had never turned it on. She kept her eyes glued on the floor as she trembled in place. .

  
_This is it. This is how I die_. She thought to herself. No amount of The Walking Dead or Attack on Titan fight scenes could prepare her from a trespassing murderer, she figured. Footsteps came nearer, confirming her suspicions and yet she still couldn’t move.

  
_Move dammit! Move!_

She tried to will her legs to take a step, to find a place to hide, to do something and yet no matter how hard she tried they still felt like bowling balls attached to her body.

  
“Hey there.” Came a voice from behind. It was soft, and could’ve been classified as gentle if it wasn’t for the underlying hint of malice. It was feminine, girly even, and sounded like someone she knew well.. or not. Did she even leave her door unlocked? How did she get in here? Only slightly placated, Sayori turned around, still shivering in apprehension.

“M-Monika?”

  
The girl known as Monika smiled. Was it really her? Here in the flesh at her house? “How did you.. get in here?” Sayori took a step back and offered a weak grin. Monika continued to smile, piercing ivy eyes never failing to stray from her own blue ones. The eyes didn’t seem to belong to those of a girl, but rather those of a snake. They shone and glinted with ill will. Was this really Monika?

  
“Sorry for worrying you.” Monika said simply, finally breaking the agonizing eye contact to stare right through her instead. “I didn’t …. I still don’t want it to come to this.” She took another step closer. Sayori took another step back. The club president seemed almost like an illusion, flickering occasionally, with small square bits floating and fulgurating about her form.

“C-Come to what? Monika you’re acting pretty weird..” Another step forward. Another step back. The back of Sayori’s leg hit her bed frame. Monika paused in her pursuit. “Me? If anyone if acting weird it would be you—skipping the club, and acting strangely.” Sayori chuckled dryly. “I guess so.. but that.. still doesn’t answer why you’re in my house.”

  
Monika tilted her head and hummed. “Well I guess it is alright to tell you.. given the circumstances—”

  
_What?_

  
Monika dragged the chair from Sayori’s desk too the middle of the room and patted the seat, prompting her to sit in it. Sayori complied, albeit a bit sheepishly, and glanced up at the taller girl urging her to continue. “Don’t make fun of me.” She warned. “But if I told you we were living in a video game.. would you believe me?”

  
“Ehehe… is this a joke? I don’t understand..” Sayori trailed off, seeing the taller girl’s eyes darken.

  
Monika laughed weakly. “..Yes it’s a joke.” In that moment, Monika seemed.. so sad. Alone even. “Sayori? Will you do me a favor?” There was another odd glitching noise and sensation, this time coming from her own hands, almost as if she had gotten pins and needles from sitting on them.

  
“Of course!” Sayori replied quickly, the words leaving her mouth faster than she could process them. _I didn’t say those words.. did I?_ It seemed almost as if she responded automatically. The trembling returned. She hoped Monika didn’t notice.

  
Monika glanced upwards, looking at something on the cieling. “Die quickly.”

  
What?

  
_What?_

  
_**What?** _

  
Her legs started to move, without her wanting them to. She tried to open her mouth, but no sound came. On wobbly limbs she stood up on the soft cushion of the chair, looking down to find the source of the weird prickling sensation on her hands and finding a thick rope. Her face paled. When did that get there? Has it always been there? Did she even own rope? After all this time why hadn’t Monika answered why or how she got there? She tried to run, kick, scream, but nothing happened. It was almost as if she was put on auto pilot and had no more control of the plane. Her breathing spiked as if she was running a marathon.

  
“Ahaha.. sorry—guess you can’t really do anything with it if it’s not tied.” Said Monika, closing her eyes and furrowing her eyebrows in concentration.

  
Huh?

  
_Tied?_

  
Monika opened her eyes after about a minute. “There. I added something else while I was at it.” Sayori looked down, and there in her shaking arms…

  
…was a noose.

  
_What’s happening?_

  
“Just ummm… look up? And like throw it over. See if you can tie it from here?” Her eyes looked up on command. Right there attached to her ceiling was a iron bar that definitely wasn’t there before.

  
**_STOP IT!_ **

  
Independent of her wishes, Sayori threw the end of the rope over the bar before making a knot and tugging the rest through.

  
_Nonononononononono_.

  
Monika smiled. “I knew you could do it.” She leaned in close, delicate and manicured hands prying out the noose end that Sayori’s hands clutched tightly and placed it around the shorter girl’s neck like a cursed necklace, taking care to fasten it tightly.

  
~~Help me.~~

  
Sayori’s legs at this point were shaking so badly she could hardly stand and she could feel the chair creaking from the movements. Monika leaned on the back wall.

  
“Lets hope the code I put in worked.” She mumbled under her breath.

  
~~**H e l p** ~~

  
An accidental slip was all it took. Was it a nervous spasm? Was it one of the premeditated actions she couldn’t seem to break? Whatever it was, it sent the chair sliding away from under her.

  
_Oh godFuck **fuck** —_

  
Suddenly everything felt like it was on fire. Her hands instinctively reached up and started to grab and scratch at the rope choking her but to no avail. She gasped for air that couldn’t seem to reach her and opened her eyes that were filled with tears from fear to reveal a, shockingly enough, equally horrified Monika.

  
“Y-You weren’t supposed to- You had to..jump..” Monika said with widened eyes, watching her friend as she slowly strangled herself to death.

  
“Help……me..” Sayori managed to choke out, just as her lungs started to burn and her heard started to feel foggy. There was no response from Monika, and the only noise that filled the room was her own panicked breathing. Her fingers were raw and red from attempting to tear the rope off and everything just seemed to sting.

  
It occurred to her in the midst of her struggle that she was so..so tired.

  
Tired of trying.

  
Tired of living.

  
Tired of everything.

  
And with that, she let her aching hands fall to her sides.  
The last thing she saw was Monika disappearing from sight.

  
_Ah. So that’s how she got in._

 

 

 


	2. Compunction

In this altered world there really isn't much to do, Monika could admit that.

She worked hard to get where she was, and with her minimal coding skills she supposed she did fine, but sitting in a barren room constantly waiting for her beloved player to log on she couldn't help but feel...

Regret?

Loneliness?

She constantly told herself in her head that  _"the ends justified the means"_ listening to it replay in her head nonstop like a broken record until she believed it. 

Nowadays, (was there days, or time even, in a wasteland like this? Monika wasn't sure.) her time seemed to always pass like this:

 

Wait.

... 

Wait longer.

 ...

Think about life.

... 

Wait more.

 ...

Regret something or another.

 ...

Get over the regret and feel nothing.

 ...

Wait once again.

 ...

Her player would log on briefly and in that short amount of time nothing else seemed to matter and everything was good and perfect.

 ...

...Until they had to log off again to do whatever it was real people did and the cycle was forced to repeat again.

 

In the time that she had nobody, all she really did was code and think. At the very least coding brought  _some_ joy to her: She often would type commands to make objects appear in the room so she could show it to the player gleefully, _like a proud puppy after completely a trick,_ she thought glumly. Things like desks, small toys, random furniture, and writing tools scattered the void like room usually.

Her favorite so far had been the piano she summoned one day. It was easily one of the most complex (and therefore hard to make) items and she had been so excited to preform songs for the player on it. She would've been playing it now, but the lack of sheet music made it difficult to come up with new songs. 

_How long has it been since I made it?_

She wasn't sure--hours seemed to blend together until they became "time with the player" and "time without". If she had to take a guess she would assume that she created it around three weeks ago.

Besides that, she would also occasionally mess with the game files themselves, switching audio tracks and fixing scattered bugs from time to time. Her latest project was some sort of textbox she could use to communicate with the player directly. It was a work in progress and still had many kinks that needed to be worked out, but the idea of her being able to talk to the player was all the motivation she needed. Today it was at least usable, so she was rather eager to test it out later.

When she wasn't messing with files she'd be left alone to her own mind, and that was where the regret came in.

It would be a lie for her to say she didn't miss her friends when she thought about them constantly:

_Yuri,_ someone so shy and quiet seemed destined to butt heads with the fiery Natsuki. She enjoyed all things horror and was an expert in literature as well. She would occasionally gush to Monika about the many types of knifes and scary movies she was interested in, and would often tutor or help out Monika with her writing. She was an everlasting calm prescence in the club, a prescence Monika had taken for granted upon messing with her character file. The once polite and gentle girl had turned perverse and dangerous, obsessive even. The last time Monika saw Yuri was right before she stabbed herself brutally in the heart and stomach, bleeding out right in front of the person she loved the most. Her body was there for en entire weekend and it'd be only then, that Monika would realize how badly she messed up.

_Natsuki_ , who was as skilled in baking as she was with writing, enjoyed simple things in life, whether it be in manga or poems. She viewed the club as more of a home than her own and wouldn't miss a day of it for the world. She'd often make red velvet cupcakes after finding out they were Monika's favorite as they chatted about whatever new show the shorter girl had gotten wrapped up in. The last time Monika saw her was before she left the classroom, throwing up upon seeing Yuri's rotted body.

_Sayori,_ a girl so positive and beaming with sunshine that it almost hurt Monika to look at her. In a lot of ways Sayori really was like the sun. Without her the club was dysfunctional, Natsuki and Yuri arguing constantly and Monika being helpless in trying to stop it. She was always so kind and thoughtful, if something someone said hurt you  _she knew_ and if you were in general just having a crappy day  _she knew._ She was the first person to be tested on by Monika, who ramped up her depression until the poor girl couldn't handle it. The last time Monika saw her was before ~~she commited suicide, hanging herself~~....-- 

.. No that wasn't right.

Was it _really_ a suicide? After all what Sayori did and how she felt at that point was all due to Monika's meddling. In the end she was really nothing more than a puppet with a command.

_God that sounded terrible._

_Maybe because it was.._

..

There it was-- the regret again.

Monika pushed those nasty thoughts out of her mind, when she mulled over it for too long her head started to ache and she'd get this weird misty feeling in her eyes so she usually tried to avoid it.

She shouldn't be feeling this anguish, especially over goddamn  _code._ That's really all they were after all; One's and Zero's. Programming. Not real.

She could feel the beginning of another headache start up.

_Just ignore it_ _._ Monika sighed. She should be happy today after all--It was the day the beta for her chat project would be released for the player to try out. _Around now is the time they usually would log on.._ She thought absent mindedly. Maybe they had to work overtime today. Did they even have a job? Or did they go to school? It was always a possibility they had just gotten tired of her, but that was a whole other door to hell Monika didn't want to open.

 

So she waited.

 

and waited..

 

and waited some more...

 

Until finally...

 

_*Ping*_

 

_They're on!_

Monika excitedly rushed to her desk, nearly tripping her own feet in the process. Out of the whole room the desk was the best view the player had of her. She sat down in the chair and ran a nervous hand through her hair, waiting for the game to finish starting up for the player.

...

"Ah! There you are." Monika smiled. "I was beginning to think you were gonna delete the game or something-" While she had laughed it off it definitely was a thing she worried about. While she knew the player would never do something like that, it still unnerved her to think the files were left all open and vulnerable. It wouldn't be that hard, all it would take was a click on the uninstall button. The player wasn't even able to reassure her with an " _I would never do that to you Monika!"_ due to their very limited form of communication. The only way they could really talk was through yes or no questions or simple one word answers since it was really all Monika was able to code.  _Until now._ She corrected herself.

"A-Anyways.. I'm not sure if you remember this but I finally finished that thing I've been working on. It took me a while but we can finally talk for real now! .. Well not for real--I haven't gotten a hold on microphones and all that, but I think you'll still like it nonetheless. Here, I'll pull it up for you-"

Monika scrolled through the game files until she came upon the application she was looking for, simply labeled  _chatiguess.exe_.

...

..The name was a work in progress.

She ran the program and set it up quickly. "It's open. Do you see it?" Surely enough a textbox with the name of  _player_ popped up. "See if you can write something."

 

**_Player_ ** _is typing . . ._

 

_Oh my god oh my god it's working!!!_

 

**Player: l̷̢̨̩̭̊ͅi̵̢̞̤̮̙͛̈́̓͒̈́͂k̷͉̝̭̬̝̏̾̕e̴̢̱͙̲̜̮͈̰͂̋ ţ̴͖̣͉̜̖͍̹̟͖͐̎̈́̚͜hi̵̮͍̗͎͈̯̋̎̇̾͊̌̃̏̃͠͝s̸̭̺͌͛͌̓̾́́̚͝** **?̶̬̘̋̇͋**

 

 Monika felt her heart do little flips inside her chest. It was really them! "It works! Sort of. I'll need to fix that later."

 

**Player:** w̴͉̃h̷̜͆͛y̵̘̟̟͗ i̵̹̳͒s̴̼͒ m̶̡̈́͋ẙ̶̼̰̽̅ ṅ̴͇̃̚a̸̺̥̓̋m̵̧̐̇e̷̮̮̥̓̇ p̴̰͍̐l̴̛̳̒͘ạ̸̞͎̈́͑ÿ̷̤͎̳́e̷͓͂͗ȑ̷͍?̴̞̉̓I̶ c̶a̷n̴ t̴e̵l̷l̴ y̷o̶u̴ it if you want.

 

"Don't tell me it! I like the mystery." It seemed as if the odd bug was lessening so she decided to push aside her worries for now. After all this time she was finally able to talk to them! The program itself was rather simple: The game being a visual novel relied on textboxes to speak, so really all she did was make is so they could get their own box and type in it.

 

**Player:** that seems ..kind of silly

 

"Not at all." Monika shook her head. "I want to see you as the player- I don't want petty things like a name or gender to make me think less of you, you know?"

 

**Player:** you make it sound as if my name is going to be something terrible like Bartholomew the fourth or caterpillar butt or something 

 

_Caterpillar butt...? What on earth sort of name was that..?_ Monika chalked it up to it being a "real people" kind of thing.

 

**Player:** anyways can I ask you something?

 

"Of course, ask away." Monika smiled and rested her chin on her propped up hand.

 

  **Player:** you're alone most of the time right?

 

"Well y-yeah, but I don't mind. If I get to see you it's worth it." She stuttered.

 

**Player:** don't you ever get lonely though?

 

Monika frowned.  _As if the answer wasn't obvious enough._ "Of course not I have you." She answered almost immediately.

The reply came just as fast.

 

**Player:** I meant you being without your .. friends and all

 

Friends? What friends? The only people besides the player that she knew were--

"They-aren't my friends. They aren't even... real people." Monika could feel the headache returning from earlier. "They're.. just code." She rubbed her temples in an attempt to soothe the migraine. How do you feel guilty over something that can't even feel guilt itself? They had been her precious friends once before.. Before Monika knew what they all were and what they weren't. After she had found out they were just pawns in a stupid dating game it threw most of her remorse and feelings towards them out the window.

..Most.

 

**Player:** couldn't the same easily be said for you though?

**Player:** sorry! ..  I didn't mean it like that . ill explain 

**_Player_ ** _is typing . . ._

 

_Ouch._ Monika's smile faltered a little. She tried to play it off discreetly so they wouldn't notice but she was sure it was obvious as day. It was true after all, unfortunately. She was just binary arranged in one of a billion different combinations. It was just her bad luck that she was _gifted_ with the Knowing, (She had came up with a little nickname for it one day. Saying Self awareness every time was a mouthful.) which is what separated her from the other club members.

 

**Player:** I feel like crap now ;; - I wanted to say that at first I thought that this whole act- the odd creepy glitches, the weird way the characters would act, the "ending"- was just part of the game, but it's been well over a month now and it seems that this is for real. It's like ..youre a person trapped inside this nightmare and it makes me sad. sad that you've done and gone through all of this to find another person that was like you, when you already had people like that right by your side

**Player:** I guess in some way, I want to help you. leaving you in this place forever, feels wrong

 

The urgency and, oddly enough, almost caring tone shocked her. The word choice was also rather interesting: "odd creepy glitches" "nightmare" -- but she decided it would be better to ask about that another time.  It seemed as if they were implying that there was a better ending, but Monika of all people knew how hard good endings were to achieve.

"Help me? I don't think you get it.. my options are kind of limited." There were serious risks that came with altering the game. Dangers like crashing, corruption, bugs, viruses, and deletion could be the very things that ends her "life" as she knows it, and it doesn't even take much for them to happen. Even the smallest, misplaced click could ruin the game. It was the daily gamble she had to play when changing major things to the code. Keeping all that in mind.. was something like a good ending even achievable at this point? With most files gone or changed? And what on earth did they mean by her already having "people like her by her side"? Besides them the only "people" that surrounded her were the NPCs she'd once considered friends in the club.

 

**Player:** I thought as much. ive been thinking about this for a while but now that I can actually talk to you I might as well tell you what ive thought up. first thing I gotta know tho ..do you think there's a reason that you are um.. self aware like this?

 

"I'm not one hundred percent sure, but if I had to take a guess I would assume it's most likely linked to whoever is the Literature Club president. They need the knowledge for game functions." Was the best she could come up with. It made sense after all. The club president even in canon parts of the game broke the "fourth wall" constantly, whether it be to warn players at the beginning of the game  or to give advice. It was the most logical answer.

 

**Player:** you don't like being the only character like that right? self aware?

 

Monika shook her head. "Not at all. Besides me, this place is pretty empty."

 

**Player:** alright. hear me out ok? if all it takes to turn a person aware is to make them club president my proposal is..

**Player:** we restart the game. one by one we make each girl president so this way, no one has to be alone.. or dead 

 

"What!?" Monika stood up so quickly, it sent the chair back with a  _"skrr"_ noise. "You have got to be joking. I've worked so hard to get us here you know.." She trailed off biting her lip. "And even if I was fine with destroying everything I've built there's so many ways it could go wrong--" She held up a finger. "Firstly, how would we even "restart" the game?" Another finger went up. "Secondly, what if the first girl we make president goes crazy! The whole "life isn't real and life is a game" is a  _lot_ to take in at once." A deep breath. "A-And thirdly.. they'll find out what I did. I wouldn't be surprised if they just killed me.."

 

**Player:** you've done a lot to get here, but surely you can't be satisfied with this.. we could work even harder and get you a better ending. one you deserve

**Player:** and instead of restarting it we could always fix the old files, but that would take a while since don't have a backup. a restart is the easiest way

**Player:** on the last one.. I guess we'll have to see. 

**Player:** of course, this all depends on whether you want to follow this plan through or not? if you want to stay in here by all means go ahead

 

Monika could feel her heart race. "I'm sorry.. this is all so sudden." Despite the nervous pit that seemed to gnaw at her, she could feel the start of something new. A chance to fix what she had one ruined. It would definitely be hard, but maybe this was what she needed. Maybe all along instead of destroying the world she didn't like, she was meant to create a whole new one. One where she wouldn't be alone. "The restart.. won't be necessary. In the end I couldn't bring myself to delete anything fully. I have a backup of the whole game saved somewhere. Worse comes to worse I'll have to manually remove what has happened so far in the game so we can go back to day one, but it's doable I guess.."  _What am I saying? Am I already accepting that I'm going to do this?_

 

**Player:** don't apologize, you can save that for other club members. the fact that you couldn't delete them all the way means something right?

**Player:** that really is great news though. we might be able to pull this off after all! so.. are you in?

 

_Am I?_

_Am I really ready to face all I've done head on?_

 

**Player:** i'll be here with you as often as I can to help out. I want to see this though to the end after all !

 

..Well when they put it like that.. A journey with the person she loved couldn't be so bad, could it?

Fuck it.

"I'm in." 

She could feel her lips forming the words, but it wasn't until she heard them coming our her mouth that she realized this was for real. This was actually happening. She had expected the thought of going back to haunt her like a bad dream yet all she could feel was warm inside. "How do I begin?"

 

**Player:** this is gonna be so cool!!

**Player:** we should start planning for real

 

Monika felt herself grin without her wanting to, the bubbly feeling growing. 

 

**Player:** it won't be easy, the whole "making them self aware part" so I was thinking you could start with sayori

 

And then the grin was gone. " _Sayori?_ Really? Out of all of them I really did her the worst you know.." Just thinking about her final moments was enough to make her shudder. Not because she felt guilt, but rather the slow agonizing way she died. She had thought she designed the code for the kill perfectly, but it had been her first time and mistakes were made. Big ones.

 

**Player:**.. no I think that award goes to yuri. but I think it would be best to start with her because she already is the vice president in the normal installation. it would be easier to justify making her president then someone random. that and she's the kindest and most considerate out of you all

 

Oh yeah.. Yuri. Monika really had no idea what she would do upon finding out what she did. "Hey! At least I'm the second nicest then." She crossed her arms. "It's worth a try, though we'll have to take precautions if anything goes wrong. You have access to the files yourself right?"

 

**Player:** yup. I'm no master hacker like you though, so you'll have to explain it to me

 

"I'll have to send you a copy of the code to forcefully change someone into president if there's an emergency and it goes wrong. If I make someone else president I'll be powerless after all, and won't be able to mess with the code anymore." She said. "We have to think this out carefully if we don't want anything disastrous happening." 

 

**Player:** makes sense. so tomorrow we tell her and see where it goes from there

 

Monika nodded, despite the thought of Sayori being self aware terrifying her. It was too late to go back now.

 

**Player:** ok! then lets do it the next day. its getting late where I am so I gotta go to sleep. someone has to play the main character after all

 

She rolled her eyes with a small smile. "I see. Sweet dreams then."

 

**Player:** see ya!

 

_*Ping*_

 

..And they were gone, just like that.

Tomorrow everything was going to change, for better or for worse when she told Sayori. What would she say? How would she get her alone to tell her? Monika wasn't sure.

She decided that she would plan in advance what to do and say in detail while the player was gone. There was butterflies in or stomach, fluttering with nervous tension and threatening to burst, her fingertips trembling in anticipation at what would happen next, and yet she couldn't help but smile to herself. For the first time in months she had a purpose, one that held promise and hope, and all she could feel was excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Compunction (n.)  
> a feeling of guilt or moral scruple that follows the doing of something bad
> 
> shit. is. gonna. go. down. next. chapter.


	3. Schlemiel

If anything, the wait this day felt even more agonizing than usual. Today was the day she would come clean, (at least to Sayori) and every second she waited was pure torture.

_Jeez why can't they hurry up.. they came up with the idea after all._

The player had promised her they would get on earlier this time so they would more time to pull it off, yet even with that promise the wait still felt too long.

She had nervously paced about the room about three hundred and sixty times, counting every single one in an attempt to starve off her boredom. She checked every file in the backup for glitches and bugs twice, and even cleaned up the void room. The items she made were still there, but instead of laying about haphazardly on the floor they were now neatly organized.

..As to what she was going to say to Sayori--she had no plan. Everything she came up with didn't satisfy her from reasons like "too fake" to "unrealistic". Eventually she had settled on winging it and hoping for the best.

 

_*Ping*_

 

_**Player:**  hi! I didn't take too long did I?_

 

"Finally! Geez." Monika sighed in relief. "It is nice to see you though, all things considered.." She sat down at the desk and drummed her fingers nervously on the wood. This was it.

_**Player:** i'll take that as a good thing. so you ready?_

 

"I-I guess so." Monika said, even though she was so nervous she was afraid she'd throw up right then and there. (Which would be embarrassing with the player watching)

She scrolled though the files until she found the file labeled "backup". The was no going back now. After she clicked this, everything would change. There would be music, houses, grass, skies, birds, trees, and  _other people._

 _That were fake._ Monika reminded herself.

She mentally prepared, trying to calm down with the idea of "if it goes wrong I'll just revert it back".

And with that she opened the file, replacing it with the current code and everything turned black.

...

There's rips in the empty space, mindless green binary filling the gaps.

...

It's cold for a while. There's little tremors running up and down her skin. The sensation feels unfamiliar, akin to ants crawling on her. She wants it to stop.

...

And then everything was still.

...

_I've really done it now. I broke it for good this time._

 

Monika slowly opened her eyes, afraid of what she might see, and was greeted by eye blindingly brightness.  _Nope nope nope._  

Monika immediately shut her eyes, the stinging making her eyes water.

 

After what felt like an hour, she reopened them and was greeted with an abundance of color.

Grey roads, brown dirt, green grass, blue skies, yellow sun--.. actually she probably shouldn't look at that. She could feel the gritty rock of the pavement beneath her, the heat of the sun, and hear the plants rustling in the wind. It felt so _..alive_ ironically enough. It was so unlike the drab blacks and purples of the void room that Monika had to do a double take and ask herself if she was really in dream.

She pinched her thigh as hard as she could.

_"OUCH!"_

_..Okay definitely not a dream._

 

_**Player:** that sounded pretty funny lol. _

 

"H-How long have you been there?" Monika stuttered, embarrassed. She picked herself off the ground, only then realizing that she had been laying on a sidewalk for god knows how long. Hopefully no one saw. _Well I guess that's too late now.._

 

_**Player:** I'm in the first scene with Sayori, so I guess a while. I didn't even know I would still be able to talk to you using this tbh, but everything seems to be working fine on my end._

 

 _The game is working. At least for now._ Monika felt relief swell up inside her like a balloon. She restarted the game apparently fine, and for that accomplishment she allowed herself to smile for the first time in this world.

 

_**Player:** hey where are you even? cant see you_

 

Well that was no surprise. Now that there was a role for the player to fill as the protagonist, they had to player the game as normal, which meant.. Not many scenes with Monika.

...

"..I'm on a street. Not sure which one."

 

_**Player:** well not to interrupt but, if the game really is starting again, shouldn't you be on your way to class? thats what sayoris doing rn_

 

 _Oh crap._  Monika paled. She completely forgot about school. "You're right.. I should go do that."

 

 _**Player:** _ _dont be late on ur first day back!!_

 

"I won't! I'm not that irresponsible.." She barked, before looking more closely at her surroundings. Luckily for her she recognized the street she was on was a road near the school, so she decided to walk there rather than glitch herself in. She was a little anxious about altering the game, afraid the smallest change would break it like she thought she had did earlier. Until the club starts, she'll just have to play the game fairly.

 

The walk was fairly peaceful, and as she made her way to the school, her mind couldn't help but wander.

Would anyone feel odd over the file changes? Would they even notice at all?

Probably not.

While Monika got a headache and felt chills all over as the game reset itself, she doubt someone else felt the same. They were never programmed to feel anything other then they were supposed to, and this was no exception. (even though it was literally the rebirth of a world but whatever)

Even surrounded by these people, she felt like an outcast. They lived simple lives, and had simple thoughts. NPCs like them would never realize the reality of the game they lived in. It was a little sad, but Monika couldn't help but feel the smallest bit of envy towards them. It was so easy to just ignore and move on, yet she couldn't seem to do that. Instead she had to face what she was by herself.

Before she knew it, she was at the school entrance. There were (fake.) students laughing and hanging about the yard. Lush green oaks were symmetrically placed around the perimeter, letting only sparse rays of sunlight in.

In the corner of her eye she spotted Yuri sitting at the base of one, reading a novel. Her throat tightened at the sight. Should she walk over and say hi? Did it even matter if she did in the end? She sighed loudly, and violet eyes rose to meet her own green ones. _Ah._

_She saw me. Now I have to go over._

While it felt like someone had snuck in lead and concrete in her shoes to keep her rooted in place, she forced herself to walk over to the other girl. She focused on putting one foot in front of the other, as she was scared she might trip. _Damn why is this so hard?_   Forcing a cheery smile on her face, she abruptly sat down on the grass next to Yuri and winced as pain shot up from the impact. Way to go Monika.  Beside her Yuri laughed, putting her book away. "Are you alright?"

"Y-Yeah um.. forgot how hard grounds can be." Monika stammered. So this was it. Her first interaction with one of her club members and she botched it already. Shaking herself from her self pity, she directed her attention to the other girl. "What were you reading?"

Yuri flushed red and averted her gaze. "You wouldn't like it." "Nonsense. If you like it, it must be good right?" Monika insisted.

A soft smile made it's way on Yuri's face. "Quite the opposite. It's about a monster with no face who befriends people and slowly drain their insanity, only to eventually kill them." Monika's skin paled. "Befriends people and kills them?" The taller girl nodded. "All of the murderer's victims used to be its friends. It went power crazy and brought it out on those closest."

A monster that tortures its friends?

How fitting.

Monika grimaced.

"I did say you wouldn't like it." Yuri worried, noticing on Monika's change in demeanor.

"..N-No it sounds interesting. It just reminded me of something." Monika said vaguely in an attempt to soothe the nervous girl. Despite already knowing about Yuri's strange hobbies, they didn't disappoint in surprising her when she heard about them, she just didn't think the book would end up being.. that personal.

"It reminded you of something?" The girl's face practically glowed with excitement. "What did it remind you of?"

...

( It reminded her of what she did to Yuri. The girl's final moments being spent in a delirious, twitchy state. The farther down she descended into madness the more she would randomly laugh in inappropriate situations, freaking out everyone in the club. She made even the normally insensitive Natsuki seem like an angel in comparison. Her new founded callous nature often left Monika feeling drained. When she died, Monika couldn't bring herself to feel guilt over the relief she felt upon seeing the body. )

...

_..Great._

_What do I say? I'm bad at making up lies.._

Yuri continued to stare expectantly.

"Sort of? Not the "no face" part." Monika meekly replied, plucking grass idly. At the very least she had a face.

 _Oh geez what am I saying._  

_Scratch that, what am I **thinking?**_

She wasn't sure if she was imagining it or not, but the taller girl seemed to be leaning closer. "How intriguing. How did it end?" Yuri asked. Monika made a nervous _"uhh"_ sound as she thought about how to respond.

What was the ending to this twisted story? 

There wasn't one.

"In the end... the monster came clean about what it had done and faced the consequences...because it felt bad?"

The other girl rolled her eyes, unsatisfied with her answer. "The monster came clean? Were you watching a children's cartoon? I've read countless horror book, and they never admit to the things they do."

Uneasiness stirred in her gut. Surely Yuri was wrong, right?

Monika shook her head, feeling oddly defensive. "Monsters can come clean. Well at least... in what I ..s-saw it did, and it was very much real." She huffed. "It felt guilty about hurting its..friends and wanted to make things right." It felt almost painful, those  ~~empty~~ words pouring out her mouth.

Yuri only smiled. "Then it must not be much of a monster then." 

..And with that simple answer Monika felt frozen.

 _"_ A-Ah.."

The bell rung and students started to scurry inside, not wanting to be late. Yuri stood up from the ground, dusting off her uniform. "We'll be late if we don't leave now. Shall we go?" She held out a hand for Monika to take.

_What just happened?_

She took Yuri's hand and allowed herself to be pulled up and hoped she didn't notice her trembling. "I guess so.. don't want to be late." Yuri nodded. "You'll have to tell me more about this "monster" later. See you later Monika." She gave a small wave and disappeared into the crowd, leaving Monika wide eyed and speechless.

Trying to pull herself together, Monika took a deep breath and stepped inside the school. The first thing she noticed was that it was loud, ear deafeningly so. With the narrow hallways and stampede of students, Monika allowed herself to go with the flow, and float in the sea of chaos to her classroom. If she remembered correctly, her first class was Calculus.. which was just great. Sighing she opened the door to her class and sat in an empty seat near the back of the class. Unfortunately for her, the stupid game couldn't take a hint that she wanted to be alone. A group of kids took seats next to her and immediately tried to chat her up.

"Hey Monika you're looking pretty today as usual!"

"Did you do the homework? It was pretty hard."

"Can you sit with us at lunch today?"

Fighting back the urge to just delete, Monika gave them placating answers until they finally let her be and decided to chat about other irrelevant stuff she didn't give a crap about.

Today was going to be a long day.

Eventually the teacher came in and started the class. Not caring, Monika used her time to talk to the player. It wasn't as if the class was important in the end. She double checked the program was running.

"Are you still there?" Monika whispered quietly so the others wouldn't hear.

 

...One minute passed.

...Then two..-

 

_**Player:**  yeah. still cant see u tho_

 

"Took you long enough." Monika beamed, relieved that the player was still there with her. "It's probably because the main character's in another room. How was Sayori?"

_**Player:** Sayori?_

_**Player:**  normal. well Sayori normal not normal normal_

_**Player:**  shit ive said normal too many times_

 

Monika covered her mouth with her hand to hide her grin. "No glitches?"

_**Player:**  not that I know of. you did a good job in restarting the game._

 

She felt her cheeks heat up at the reassurance. "It was nothing."

Beside her she heard a small gasp. She turned to the noise and found a girl looking at her. "Monika I didn't know you had a boyfriend! And calling him in class.. wow you're bold." Monika's red face turned even redder. She put a finger to her lips. "I-I do not! Shh!"

 

_**Player:**  you don't what?_

 

"Forget about it." She groaned. Was she really that obvious? And besides.. the player could very well be a girl.. "I-I'll talk to you later. Someone's making a scene."

_**Player** : um .. alright then. bye for now! ..don't do anything weird_

 

_Don't do anything weird? What's that supposed to mean?_

Monika rested her forehead on the cool wood of the desk. The hushed whispers of the students blended in with the teacher's lecture, making a peaceful ambiance in ghe classroom.

 _So much for passing the time._ She let her eyelids flutter close. She doubted the teacher would call on her when she had near perfect grades.

She could easily time skip to the end of the day, but that was most likely the "weird" the player was referring to.. In the end most of the changes she did to the game weren't even visible to her.

It really made her wonder, how different this world would be from someone else's eyes? Would they see the same cardboard cut out she does? Would they see something beautiful? Something horrifying? Despite her being all knowing there really was a lot she had to learn if she wanted to change the world for the better. This was a new restart after all. 

There was a chance for something new-something that won't get old no matter how many days passed in this fake reality. A chance to be with someone real.. Well as real as real could be here.

The loud ringing brought her down to reality, lunch time had come. 

Monika left the classroom in a pleasant haze, neither there nor not. While she was sure there were many of her friends waiting in the cafeteria for her, she couldn't bring herself to go. Maybe Yuri, Natsuki and Sayori were there as well?

Instead, feet seemed to be moving somewhere else, and not having a care in the world she went along.

She eventually ended up on the school roof. Up there is where the gardening club usually went to work. The flower pots carefully placed around and the benches lining the area were curtesy of them. Out of the whole school, this place was arguably the calmest. It was the perfect place to relax after the train wreck of a day she had been having so far.

Looking down she saw her hands were trembling. When did _that_ happen?  She took deep breaths and hoped it would go away eventually.

She leaned on the railing and overlooked the field where kids were playing soccer and became so engrossed with the practice she didn't notice someone had joined her on the roof until they spoke.

"Hey Monika!" 

Monika nearly jumped at the sudden noise. Her blood went cold. 

_That voice.._

She turned around to greet the speaker and surely enough, was face to face with the strawberry-haired second year. "S-Sayori?" She had meant to play it cool but her voice unintentionally came out shaky. Sayori, being as observant as always picked up on it immediately. "Ehehe~ sorry for startling you, I couldn't find you at lunch and I got worried-"

She skipped her way over to Monika."-So I looked for you and found you up here!"

Monika averted her eyes, unable to meet the honest, trusting gaze that was Sayori's. Instead she redirected her sight back to the soccer players only to find they were wrapping up and finishing their game.

"You were looking for me?" She said, forcing a smile on her face.

It was just her luck that the person she wanted to see last found her. She had been hoping to save the inevitable for the end of the day but fate seemed to have other plans for her. Despite this being a pretty bad case scenario, she was still Monika, the reliable club president to Sayori, so she had to play the part despite how fake it felt.

Sayori hummed innocently. "Well yeah.. you're my friend after all."

_Stop it._

Monika squeezed her eyes shut,  her hands clenching in uncomfortable tight fists at her sides. Would she still say that not even hours from now? Monika doubted it. This whole situation felt odd, especially given the last time they had a conversation was right before ...

"Don't call me that." She snapped, and immediately regretted it.

"Huh..?"

..Came the meek response. She didn't even need to open her eyes to feel the hurt in the other's voice.

_Don't be rude. None of this is her fault so don't make her feel like it is._

Monika shook her head. This could very well be the last decent talk she had with Sayori, so she had to make this right.

"Sorry I didn't mean-just.. ignore.. that. It's been a bad day. Sorry." Monika cringed as the word vomit left her mouth.

 _Can you not even form a sentence? Idiot._ She wasn't surprised at her apparent lack of ability to have conversations, she had spent months on end with no one to talk to with the only voice she was able to hear belonging to herself. It was just another thing she'd have to improve on.

"I'm glad you came to look for me-seriously. It was sweet of you."

For the most part, Sayori seemed unimpressed but didn't pry.

She was always like that, wanting to make people feel as accepted and comfortable as possible. It was a trait so very little people had, and one Monika admired. It was a shame the trait was preprogrammed into her.

"If you say so.." Sayori trailed off. "..Hey, why did you come up here?" Her voice seemed to get farther away and as Monika finally opened her eyes she saw Sayori observing the many flower beds laying about the pavement. She hesitantly joined her, awkwardly shuffling to the flowers and making sure to keep a good distance between them.

She glanced around the place. Why did she come here? She wasn't sure. At the time, it just felt right- the roof was quiet, with students rarely coming up, the subtle touches the clubs added seemed to linger about giving the place almost a melancholic feel. "I don't know. I guess I like flowers?" She answered lamely.

Sayori giggled. "Yeah, I like them too. It sure is pretty up here." She bent down to observe a rose bush and gasped. "Monika look!" 

Monika scooted closer, curiosity winning her over. Sayori carefully pointed a finger at the object of her attention for the taller girl to see. There hidden in the bushes, was a beautiful black and cerulean colored butterfly perched on a leaf. "..The butterfly?" She whispered so as not to scare it off. Sayori nodded, bright blue eyes focused on the captivating insect. Looking at the both of them side by side, they really did look alike. Shining navy eyes matching the delicate color of the butterfly, seeming as if the smallest touch would break both. As if sensing it was being talked about, the butterfly took off and fluttered about before flying straight at poor Sayori, who leaped back an impressive five feet and screamed. 

"E-EEEEK!"

The club president could only watch in awe as the bug flew around the other teasingly. "A-Ahhhh! Monika it's attacking me!" Sayori cried before hiding behind the taller girl. "Protect mee~" 

Monika rolled her eyes as the butterfly flew away to some other plant. "It has spared you this one time." She said, turning to face the other. "H-Hey! Don't give me that look. You saw how it attacked me." Sayori fumed, crossing her arms. The ridiculous sight of Sayori being upset over a bug was enough to make Monika smile. She decided to play along. "Yup. It came at you with those, gigantic wings, crawly legs, and wiggly antennae." She joked, nudging the girl with a small "Boo!"

"Oh stop that!" Sayori pouted, hitting Monika's shoulder lightly. "You know I'm no good with that kind of stuff." Monika laughed, and it was then she realized just how much she missed this. Being with someone else physically and simply having fun. After a few minutes of silence Sayori spoke up, "Hey.. Monika?" She looked up to meet the taller girl's eyes. "Yeah?"

The playful tone in her voice had left, replaced with something much more.. reserved and somber. "I know this is coming out of nowhere, and I know you don't like relying on people that much but.."

Monika froze on the spot, anticipating what would come next.

"-If something's bothering you, you know you can tell us right?" Sayori said in a voice so soft it scared her.

"Even if you don't feel like telling the other girls.. if it's eating you up you can at least talk to me right? .. That's what I'm for, after all, as the vice president.. I'm supposed to support you.." Sayori fidgeted with her hands as she always did when she was nervous. "Not only that.. but as your friend I know when something is wrong.. Even if you try to hide it."

Monika supposed the "girls" Sayori were referring to were Natsuki and Yuri. If she was being honest, out of the three, she did feel more at ease talking to the kind hearted second year. It wasn't as if she could accept that kindness now, even if Sayori was worried about her.

It would've been so simple. A friend worrying about a friend, nothing more, nothing less... And yet.. the concept of someone feeling anything but pity or hatred towards her felt foreign. 

By some morbid curiosity she wondered if the reason Sayori noticed her sulking was due to her code writing her to be emotionally intelligent. 

.. Somehow Monika found herself wishing this wasn't the case.

"I was planning on telling you.. after the club actually. It's kind of important. Can you stay a little bit longer after the club ends?" Of course deep down, Monika knew outside of the game, the rest of the cast didn't do much but it was still worth an ask.  

A small hand found it's way to her shoulder. "Of course! Anything for you." Sayori smiled so bright Monika had to look away in an attempt to shield her burning eyes. 

 "Wanna stay up here?" Sayori asked, pulling out her phone to check the time. "Or go meet with Natsuki and Yuri?"

Monika eventually blinked the weird feeling away. "Let's go back." She said, grabbing her bag.

"Alright. Let's go!" Sayori led the way, leading Monika back down through the maze of a school, weaving through crowds and walls both.

As they reached the outside lunch area, she could see the table in the distance, a picnic table placed under a lofty tree. Even from the distance across the field, Monika could spot the two girls bickering over one thing or another.

"Blue's from Blue's Clues is obviously a boy!"

"Were you not paying attention? They refer to Blue as a she!" 

_Oh geez._

Sayori shot her an equally terrified gaze as they neared the spot. They hadn't even sat down before they were roped into.. Blue's Clues discourse. "Ugh Monika you watched Blues Clues right?" Natsuki leaned across the table like her life depended on it. Monika blinked. The kids cartoon about the blue dog right?  Sure she had seen it as a kid, but it didn't explain why the two teenagers were arguing about it at lunch. "I guess so?" She said, only adding alcohol to the fire that was this disaster of  conversation.

Natsuki's eyes glowed intensely with the same glow she seemed to get when she had a point to prove. "The dog's a boy right?" Was it? Monika definitely wasn't sure. The only thing she remembered about the show was the _"you just got a letter_ " part. "..I really don't know sorry."

The short girl groaned, slamming her head on the table with a dull _*thump*_. This small admittance of defeat was enough for Yuri, who smiled at Sayori innocently. (Though to Monika it looked like a predator ready to attack its prey) "It's all right Natsuki we all know Blue's a girl. Right Sayori?" Natsuki glanced up from her sulking to hear her response, and Sayori squeaked at being put on the spot. "Um.. ah...  does it really matter?" She said, scratching the back of her neck. 

"Of course it does! It'd be weird if Blue was a girl! Wasn't Blue in love with the purple dog?" "The purple dog? ..You mean Magenta? You don't even know the names!" Yuri interrupted, causing Natsuki to fume even more. "She could be called Jimmy-Joo-Jah for all I care! Doesn't change that it would still be weird since they're both.. y'know.." Monika rolled her eyes at the childishness of the debate. "Did you _seriously_ just imply that two dogs on a kids show are dating?" She teased. Poor Natsuki unsurprisingly fell for the bait."Wh-!" Natsuki reached across the table but was held back by Yuri who was trying not to laugh. 

"Girls, c'mon really? Lets just search it." Sayori broke the argument and pulled out her smartphone. The three of them crowded around the vice president to see the answer. Sayori read off the loaded wiki page. "The star of Blue's Clues, Blue, is a girl puppy who-" "Looks like I was right!" "UGH!" Natsuki crossed her arms in annoyance. "You owe me one of your cupcakes." Yuri joked, rubbing the brooding girl's back. "Yeah whatever.. I brought some anyways for the club meeting today." She sighed, leaning into the touch. 

...

It really was strange, how characters in a game could interact like everyday people. 

.. Was this how everyday people talked to each other? She'd have to ask the player later.  _..Where is the player anyways?_  A quick look around confirmed that the protagonist himself wasn't even there. She lightly tapped Sayori's shoulder, who looked up from her phone. "Hm?"

"Where's your..uh.. friend?" Monika honestly had no idea what the player had named the protagonist this time, so she had to work with what she already knew about the character.

"..My friend?" Sayori said with a bewildered expression. "The one you walk to school with." Monika replied, not realizing her mistake.

"How do you know that?" The vice president said with wide eyes. Rather than be creeped out, she seemed.. almost embarrassed, if her red cheeks were anything to go by.

Monika froze. How could she forget this was the first day? They were supposed to meet him at the club today once he was convinced by Sayori to join. The reason the protagonist wasn't there was because he hadn't even been introduced yet. She was ashamed she managed to let that slip from her memory. Now, because of that she made herself look like the world's biggest stalker to the very girl she was gonna come clean to. 

_Relax and make something up!_

"I decided to take a different route to school today and saw you two walking together." Monika lied, making sure to keep her voice level. By some miracle, Sayori seemed to believe it, as she nodded. "If you walk you should've told me geez! The three of us could have so much fun." She smiled. "But I honestly have no idea where he is. Maybe with his other friends?" Monika doubted that, as he most likely wasn't rendered in the school due to not having scenes or being next to the characters. She agreed anyways. "Probably."

"If you want to talk to him, I can bring him to the club! I'm trying to convince him to join." Sayori said sheepishly. "That'd be perfect. Thank you." Monika responded, taking note of how Sayori seemed to be flustered when talking about him.

The rest of the day went fairly normal.

Lunch period ended with them talking about something silly again (Something about bad puns?) and they all separated to go back to their classes. The last classes were fine, if not a bit boring.  

The time Monika had been waiting for had finally come. 

The first day of the literature club.

Hoisting her bag over her shoulder, she nervously made her way to the club room.

The meeting itself would probably be normal as always: They'd meet up, eat if there's snacks, share poems, hang out, and then go home, but it wasn't the regular routine Monika was afraid of..

..No it was what would come after the meeting that terrified her.

Monika was so wrapped up in her worries she nearly ran into Natsuki, who was struggling to carry three trays of cupcakes. "AH! God! You almost made me drop them!" Came the cry that followed the brief scare. Her small frame attempting to balance the snacks on her arms looked almost funny in a way. Repressing the urge to laugh Monika neared the fellow club member. "Need help?"

"Nope." Natsuki responded confidently until they reached the classroom and she realized the predicament she was in. She looked at Monika expectantly, who was purposely playing dumb.

"...Could you get the door?" She reluctantly asked after a couple of attempts at trying to open it with her elbow and failing. "What's the magic word?" Monika grinned, resting her hand on the door handle.

"MONIKA! I'M DYING HERE!" "Okay! Okay! I'm going! Sheesh..." The club president scrambled to open the door and let the fuming Natsuki in. Besides them, the only other person in the room was Yuri. She immediately rushed to Natsuki's side to help her out, much to the shorter girl's protests.

Not long after Sayori burst into the room, nearly falling over in the process. Having everyone's attention, she dragged a boy into the room.

Monika instantly recognized him as the protagonist. Since he was now here that must mean...

"I got us a new member!" Sayori announced, tugging him farther in. "H-Hey I didn't agree to joining-" The boy complained. "Well if you want to eat the cupcakes I told you about earlier, you have to join!" The vice president puffed out her cheeks and his walls were broken quickly. "Fineee..."

_**Player:**  ;D havnt seen you in a while_

_**Player:** I guess we really do have to be in the same room to see each other.._

 

Monika had to bite her lip to hold back her smile. She couldn't deny she missed them.

Astonishingly enough, it looked like only she was able to see the text. Yuri and Natsuki were both focused on the new member and seemed oblivious to the "6th person". She couldn't talk to the player now due to being in the presence of other people unfortunately. She'd have to fill them in later..

She approached the new boy, who was already chatting up Natsuki. "So you're joining the Literature Club?" He met Monika's gaze and his jaw dropped.

"My names Monika, I'm the club president. What's yours?" She asked cheerfully.

"Um call me Kuso..-"

 

_They named him "shit" in Japanese? Seriously?_

 

 ** _Player:_** _I panicked when it asked okay?! .. no ones even commented on it so far lol it's kind of hilarious_

 

Monika put all her effort into keeping a straight face as he talked.

"-And I don't know. My writing honestly isn't that good.." He finished shyly.

In a way it was true: the protagonists poems were just twenty randomly selected words put together, but she had to play the part regardless. "That's fine! I'm sure with time you'll be great at it." She grinned. "Besides.. I'm sure you can't be worse than Natsuki-" Monika didn't get to finish her sentence, as Natsuki immediately glared at her from where she was preparing the food. "Sorry! I'm only joking! Love you!" Monika yelped and hid behind the protagonist.

"Oh jeez...Then.. if it's alright I guess I'll join then." He laughed softly, put at ease.

The script was according to plan for the most part. They ate the cupcakes Natsuki had baked (Which tasted amazing. She even made Monika's favorite) shared the standard Day 1 poems and relaxed for the rest of the meeting. Monika took that time to calm her nerves by writing. 

The hour must have flew by because the moment she stopped to take a break as her hand started cramping, Yuri stood up.

"Sorry, but I need to leave early. I have to study for an exam tomorrow." Yuri sighed, packing up. Natsuki glanced at the clock and her face paled. "O-Oh wow that passed quickly. I'll leave also. Bye guys!" 

"Alright see you girls later!" Sayori said as Monika waved goodbye.

With the horrible realization that the meeting was ending, Monika felt her heart beat faster. Anxiety fogging her mind, she put her papers away as Sayori talked to her friend.

 

_**Player:**  once he leaves I cant see whats happen, but I can hear you so it should be fine.. hopefully. I got the code to forcefully switch you back to pres if anything goes wrong_

Monika shakily nodded her head, trying not to let her fear show.

_**Player:**  and monika? good luck. I know you can do this_

 

The club president felt the smallest bits of relief rush through her, like a single strand of hope hanging by a thread. If only she could take it..

..Rather it seemed at the moment that it was out of reach.

"Hey."

Sayori's voice came from across the room, slowly bringing her back to earth. 

"You go on ahead alright? I need to stay behind for um.. vice president buissness." Sayori explained. The protagonist gave her an odd look but agreed to leave nonetheless. "Bye guys." He waved as he left the room, leaving all of Sayori's attention to Monika.

Monika froze on the spot as Sayori approached her. "So what's up?" She chirped, unaware of the other girl's dilemma. 

The club president walked to the door of the club and opened it, peering into the hallway to make sure there was nobody else around. Once satisfied, she closed the door with a sigh. "Monika?" Sayori asked.

She could faintly hear Sayori shuffling over, but her panicking mind blocked it out.

How would she even go about making Sayori the club president?

Would she have to manually script it? ..It was an option, but one that would take time and would most likely involve her staring into blank space with Sayori right there.She decided to leave that as a last resort.

There was also the option of making Sayori the class president the official way, with paperwork and everything, but Monika was unsure if the Knowing would even transfer that way. It was worth a shot, at least.

She went to her bag and pulled out the folder that held all her club documents and flyers, thumbing through the papers until she found the form she needed. By now, Sayori had taken to sitting in the desk next to Monika's, and seemed content with waiting. 

There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to confess, so much she wanted to hide..

...

Finally, Monika spoke.

"..Can you be president?"

Sayori gaped, staring as if Monika grew a second head.

"H-Huh? Is this a joke?" The vice president looked around the room as if expecting Yuri and Natsuki to pop out with a camera at any moment.

Monika pinched the bridge of her nose.

"..No. That's why I need you to be the president." She said as she placed the form on the desk for Sayori to see.

The redhead pushed the paper back. "No-wh-? Why can't you?" Sayori made extravagant hand motions in an attempt to explain when words couldn't seem to come to her. "There's no way I can-.."

Monika looked to the ground, toeing the tile ground with her shoe. "I'm unfit to lead." She said simply. "You'd do a much better job. That's why-" She nudged the paper back in the other girl's direction. 

"Unfit to lead? Monika you're not-you're not making any sense! You've always been the leader without any problems!" Sayori argued, standing up and slamming her hands on the desk in exasperation. 

In a way, Monika wasn't lying. If anyone was to lead the club best, it'd be Sayori. While she was a bit of an idiot and didn't seem to care for herself much, she always put others first and was dependable. She was kind and compassionate in a way Monika could only dream of being. It almost made her enviously of how easily being nice and laid back seemed to come for the other girl.

She stared at the form, resting untouched in the space between Sayori's palms. "You don't get it. If you did you'd say yes in a heartbeat.." She muttered.

She bit her lip, and looked in the other girls eyes only to find them watery and filled with frustration. "Please Sayori..?"

Sayori shook her head. "A-At least tell me why! Why do I need to take your place from you?" She paced about. "I don't understand! You  _made_ this club. How can you just.. leave it?"

One way or another Sayori would find out the truth, whether it be from Monika telling her, or her herself figuring it out. It wouldn't hurt to play the part a bit longer.

"..After you become president I'll tell you. I don't want you to change your mind if I tell you, y'know?" Monika said with a weak smile.

That didn't seem to help in the least, and it only seemed to freak the poor girl out more. Nonetheless, Sayori swallowed, uncapped a ballpoint pen, and started to fill out the information. For a while the only sounds in the quiet club room were the small scratching of quick writing, until Sayori held the paper out for Monika to see. "Is this fine?" 

Monika took the form and looked it over before deciding it was sufficient. In the school club presidents were for the most part an unofficial thing, so teachers wouldn't need to be contacted. "Then.. you're the new president." 

 

_The deal is sealed._

 

The air felt colder and Monika could feel chills despite all the windows being sealed shut. She hugged herself with her arms and glanced about the room that seemed so much darker than before.

"Hey, Sayori- do you feel that?" 

Nothing.

Did something malfunction? Was she supposed to be the only president and no one else? Closing her eyes to focus, she tried to scroll through the files only to find she was locked out.

_This isn't right.. what's going on?_

_... Oh no._

Her blood ran cold with realization, and her fear stricken eyes landed on the former vice president who was still unresponsive and staring at blank nothing.

_Does this mean it worked?_

 "S-Sayori..?"

The redhead seemed to snap back into reality with a sharp gasp. Her hands instantly reached for her neck as if searching for an injury that wasn't there. _(Or rather.. an injury that wasn't there anymore.)_ In contrast to Monika's small panicked breathing, Sayori was full blown hyperventilating. 

"Sayori-" Monika reached out a cautious hand to jostle Sayori's shoulder but before she had the chance Sayori leaped out of her seat, tripping over the leg of the chair and falling on her rear. Her hands were still clutching her neck in a desperate attempt to protect it. "Y-You.." She choked out, backing to the wall and looking at Monika like she'd seen..

.. Like she'd seen a monster.

_It worked._

Monika clenched her fists at her side. It worked after all. She hadn't expect Sayori to just forgive her on the spot, but seeing the other girl react like this sent a stab of hurt through her heart. She couldn't find it in her to meet Sayori's despair filled gaze and let her eyes linger on the floor tiles instead. At the noise of Sayori falling she instinctively reached out to grab her, not realizing her mistake until it was far too late.

The last thing she saw was desperation and malice in Sayori's face before she lunged at her and pushed Monika to the ground, straddling the older girl. Pain shot up her backside as it collided against the floor. A dull throb spread over her spine and she groaned at the ache. Something was definitely digging into her back- she must've landed on it in the messy fall. She attempted to get up but to no avail, Sayori had pinned both of Monika's arms on either side of her head in an iron grip. Sayori's nails were digging into her flesh, but despite the sting, she didn't flinch.

"You." Sayori repeated, her voice barely a whisper. If they weren't so close Monika doubted she would've even heard it. From their proximity, she could feel Sayori's warm breath on her neck and face, and her weight on her stomach keeping her down. "W-Why..?" The shorter girl's voice wavered, unsure of how to say what she wanted to. It was only a single word, yet the raw agony in it was easily conveyed through that simple word.

Monika opened her mouth to speak, but words couldn't come to her. What was she even to say in this situation? Off handedly, she noticed how much emptier the room seemed- was it always this barren?

"At least _look at me!"_ Sayori cried, her grip tightening around Monika's wrists. The taller girl winced and slowly directed her eyes to meet hers. "I did it because- _"_

She thought of the player and their kindness, how she risked everything for them, and how she essentially "killed" her friends for them.

She thought of how  _surely_ they were paying attention to their computer in case a call of help was sent..

Surely they were...

_Right?_

"..Does it matter in the end _why_ I did it? in the end we aren't real." Monika eventually confessed, her arms unwillingly wriggling to free herself of the painful hold. 

Sayori's eyes narrowed, and Monika tried not to wilt under the harsh glower. 

It was insane how someone like Sayori could seem so menacing in this moment. She seemed like a different person all together. 

"We aren't real and yet- we still hurt like real people don't we?" Sayori snapped.

Monika frowned, "We are code. We are just programmed to feel it-" "NO!"

"..Just.. just stop. Please.." Sayori interrupted.

Monika watched as the girl straddling her went still. Sayori's eyes were screwed shut in intense focus and slightly red. Monika felt an odd wetness on her face and was going to ask what it was until she heard Sayori sniff from above her.

Sayori was crying.

"Y-You.. hurt t-them."

She whimpered as she spoke, her stutter and ragged breathing making it worse as tears kept streaming down her face.

That's what she was upset about? Hurting Natsuki and Yuri? Not the fact that Monika had tried to kill her? 

"They didn't feel it.. They've forgotten about it by now.." Monika protested. "You're the only one who knows." At that confession, Sayori's watery eyes widened ever so slightly. "..Why?" She asked. "Why would you even..? I though they were your friends.. " And even quieter, "I thought we were friends.. How could you?" 

Exasperation filled Monika to the brim. "No you don't- _get it._ They aren't  _real._ Everything they think, everything they do, everything they  _say_ is just determined by the game's script! A couple of minutes ago you were the same as them. Despite me  _killing them_ and doing all these things to them- as long as I change it, they don't notice because in the end.. they're just.. they're just code!" Monika argued, her hands straining against their confined and her torso buckling against Sayori's lap. There was a sharp stinging sensation on her wrist, and she hissed in pain, feeling hot blood leak from the now fresh wounds.

She forced herself to stay still, so as to not agitate the wound and make any punishment worse. As she focused on only breathing in and out, she noticed the room was  _definitely_ colder and emptier than before. Sayori must've been altering files on accident, which was impressive but also very,  _very_ dangerous.

Sayori cried, unaware or maybe even uncaring of Monika's struggle beneath her. "What reason would you even have for.. doing all this?" 

"It was so I could talk to them." Monika choked out.

"T-Them?"

"The player. They're the only real person here. The only one who isn't  _fake_ like us." Monika rambled as Sayori's scowl deepened.

"..W-What..? You did all that.. for a  _person?_.. You really are the worst."

Monika brushed off the insults and instead looked passively to the new club president. "I guess I am..So what are you going to do now?"

Surprise flooded the other girl's features. "H-Huh?" She stammered.

"You could kill me right now if you wanted to." 

At this point Monika wouldn't mind. In the end she met the player. Her dream was already accomplished. At least if Sayori killed her right in this moment she would have no regrets. 

Disgust replaced the surprise on her face. "Monika.." Sayori mumbled, and released her hold on the other, staggering to get to her feet. It was then she noticed the blood coating her fingers, and the matching crescent shaped marks on Monika's pale wrist. The blood had streaked down in rivulets and formed a small puddle underneath. Terror filled her eyes as she stared at the crimson liquid coating her hand in an almost morbid fascination. "N-No.. I don't want to be like you." Tears blurred her vision, and she tried to wipe them away red streaks from her hand stained her face.

Monika grunted in pain as she sat up and noticed how Sayori's hands tensed at her sides as if she was fighting back the urge to help the former president up. She didn't mind the injury- she deserved way more than superficial wounds like that. Deep down she almost wanted Sayori to get angry- to yell and fight back. Yet the said girl was only staring at the floor apologetically and trying not to cry. 

"If you had to power to do amazing things, why did you use it to cause harm?" Sayori murmured, bending down to sit near Monika. (Near was a reach- Sayori made sure to put a safe distance between them.) 

Monika closed her eyes and sighed. "What's the point in making things better ..when no one will notice the difference?" She felt slight burning her eyes and-  _oh god no_ -  _please don't cry not here not now-_

"-nika ..Monika?" Sayori repeated, her voice gradually become more and more concerned.

"...Wh-..Y-Yes?" 

"Why did you make me president?"

Blunt and straightforward.

"I'm tired Sayori." Monika confessed. "Do we really have to- can you just end th-" "-No. You just want to _run away_ and not face what you did. That isn't the way to fix this... at the very least, answer my question." Sayori insisted, voice oddly gentle.

"I'm trying to.. make things right. Sort of.. I started by making you president."

Sayori was silent as she digested this. "President?" She repeated to herself.

"Yeah, if you make someone president ..they become self aware and can change the game." Monika explained.

"..So you want to make things better?" 

"It wasn't my idea. It was the player. Don't get things wrong." Monika growled, making Sayori even more confused.

"I don't.. Who _is_ the player?"

"We're in a game Sayori." Monika rolled her eyes. "Games are meant to be played."

"...Ah. Could I talk to them?"

Monika tried to stave off the possessiveness that always seemed to take a hold of her when the player was mentioned. "No. To do that I'd have to change the code." She gestured to the form. "..And I can't exactly do that anymore."

"Oh.. then.." Sayori walked over to the form and picked it up, dyeing the white sheet with red swirls from her fingertips. "..Then I want to help you." She knelt down in front of Monika and held out the paper for Monika to take.

Monika stared up at the other girl in astonishment. "You want to help _me?"_

Sayori frowned. "No, I don't want to help  _you_. I want to help you make this place better for everyone, but especially Yuri and Natsuki. They deserve to be happy more than anyone-"

"More than you? Don't you count also?" Monika interrupted, taking the form from Sayori's hands. "I.. don't care what happens to me. I just want them to be happy. I know you don't care about them since they "aren't real" but despite that- they don't.. deserve what you did to them. They don't deserve this." Sayori mumbled, hands fidgeting anxiously. 

"You do know if I become president again I could easily repeat what I did right?" Sayori's face instantly darkened. "If you do that I-" "O-Okay yeah I get it. If I mess up or do anything you don't like you have full permission to kick my ass." Monika weakly smiled. Sayori gave her an odd look, filled with an emotion Monika was unfamiliar with and sighed, staring at the floor. "Just fix this." She said.

"Alright. Give me a minute. Hey! Player! Change this back." Almost immediately Monika was able to change the files again. "There we go." Monika first busied herself with the task of fixing all the things deleted and altered in Sayori's breakdown. While she didn't want to admit it, there was a small linger of doubt that the player had abandoned her, so at least this relieved her.

"Jesus. I don't know how you did it, but you managed to change the files on  _accident."_ Monika grumbled. Sayori only watched in wonder as objects were added. Once everything was back to normal she allowed herself to relax. "You're pretty good at this." Sayori said aloud.

"N-No I'm not. I've made a lot of mistakes-"

_Oh?_

Monika noticed a small pink phone on the floor next to where the blood was. Was this what she fell on? 

_This is Natsuki's phone-shit._

As if on cue, agitated knocking could be heard from the door. "GOD! Monika I know you're in there! Why is the door locked?!"

Monika and Sayori both shared a look of dread.

Sayori paused, unsure if she should get the door. Eventually she decided to unlock it, and started to approach the door.

"Wait." Monika grabbed Sayori's arm and wiped away the blood she had accidentally gotten on her face. "Oh... t-thank you.." The shorter girl stammered.

Sayori turned to the door and unlocked it, revealing a fuming Natsuki.

"I've been knocking for five minutes! What were you two even doing in there? Canoodling?"

"N-No nothing like that!" Sayori squeaked uncomfortably and pulled the shorter girl in the room. 

Monika hid her wrists with her sleeves and cleared her throat. "Did you need something?" 

 Natsuki nodded and started looking about the room. "Yeah- is my phone in here?" Monika quickly swiped it up and handed it to Natsuki, practically shoving it in the other girl's grasp. 

 "I-Is that all?" Sayori mumbled, her index finger absent mindedly rubbing her neck. 

"Um.. I guess. Are you two alright? You both look kind of-"

"We're fine." Monika assured, staring at the small red puddle.

"Okay.. then see ya?" Natsuki seemed confused but left anyways.

The girls both let out a sigh of relief after the girl was gone. 

"That was close." Sayori sighed, gently closing the door. Monika nodded and unbuttoned her blazer using it to wipe the blood up. It was already dirtied at the sleeves so she might as well clean the rest of it.

Sayori bit her lip as she watched. "Monika..."

"..Hm?" Monika glanced up after shoving the shirt in her bag. 

"I.. um.. Let me bandage your wrists." 

Monika shook her head. "It's fine. I deserved it." Sayori frowned. "No. Stop that.. The guilt tripping. I caused it, so just let me help you okay?" She took the taller girls hand in her own and led her to the closet where they held the first aid kit. The redhead stood on her tiptoes to get the kit and then patted the nearby chair for Monika to sit on. The taller girl caved in and sat down. Sayori rummaged through the plastic box before pulling out a small pad.

"This'll sting." Sayori warned. Monika nodded and held out her hands, biting the inside of her cheek. Sayori dabbed the disinfectant on the wound and tried to finish the task as soon as possible as Monika flinched and wriggled about. "Jeez. You're a big baby." Sayori gave a small smile (Though broken.) as she peeled the tabs off the bandages and placed them accordingly on the cuts. "There."

Monika peered down at the Hello Kitty Band-Aids covering her wrists, and fought down the urge to comment. "T-Thanks."

Sayori placed the kit back in the closet.

"So what now?" Sayori asked.

Monika shrugged. "I don't know. I was thinking next I could make houses for Natsuki and Yuri-"

"Wait what? They don't have houses?" 

"Not really. If it isn't a near places already in the school chances are it doesn't exist." Monika replied. It was kind of sad really. "So what do they do after school?" Sayori asked, looking out the window. 

"I don't know. I guess they just don't render. It's different for me-.. us. We are constantly a presence in the game thanks to the whole.. knowing thing."

"Oh.. That's kind of confusing.. Well if that's the case how about we work on it tomorrow?" 

Monika nodded. "That's fine."

Sayori slung her bag over her shoulder and walked to the door. She paused there as if unsure of what to say. "Then.. I guess I'll see you later.."

"Yeah." 

The other girl didn't bother with a goodbye as she left.

The door closed and Monika was alone once again. 

In the silence, she stared at her bandaged wrists. She drove Sayori to kill herself and what does the girl repay her with? Forgiveness and Hello Kitty Band-Aids. It was so like Sayori it hurt.

It wasn't fair.

Why didn't she get angry? Sayori could've done way worse then give her small cuts, and it would've been deserved, but she didn't.

_Why?_

It wasn't fair.

Suddenly it got so much harder to see, and in confusion Monika rubbed at her eyes only for her hand to come away wet.  _Oh._

She hadn't cried in a while. She hadn't cried when Sayori died, or when Yuri stabbed herself, or when Natsuki was deleted and yet..

.. The tears didn't stop coming.

 _I shouldn't be freaking crying over this. Especially not when it's my fault._ Monika thought miserably, rubbing at her watery eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the crying.

Through all this mess this was the first time someone had cared for and tended to Monika's pain. 

Seeing as it didn't seem to want to stop anytime soon, for the first time in forever, Monika finally allowed herself to cry. To feel sadness. To feel pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Schlemiel (n.)  
> A stupid, awkward, or unlucky person. (in example: Monika is a schlemiel.)
> 
>    
> ugh ive been edting this for weeks and I'm still not 100% happy abt it.. ah well.  
> sorry it took so long, hopefully the length makes up for the wait. (also last chap was exactly posted one month from now so that's pretty cool)
> 
> ps. I didnt know what to name the protagonist but since I haven't met a single person who actually named him something serious , this happened lol
> 
> also thanks for the kind comments you guys leave! its really my favorite part of writing this.


	4. Tacenda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "are u dead" 
> 
> "probably" -me

The next day went relatively normal.

..No, that was a lie.

It would be more accurate to say the day went according to routine, rather than the chaos Monika had expected. There were definite changes, but nothing too drastic as she had been fearing.

Sayori.. she was for sure different. Just like she had the day before, she would scratch absent-mindedly at her neck until red marks could be seen. The moment Yuri asked her about the habit, she instantly stopped, looking at the floor in what only could be described as shame. She was still cheerful, and she was still as sociable as ever, but it came to a point where Monika wasn't sure how much was faked, and how much was real.

One thing that _could_ be considered "odd" was the way Sayori treated her. The vice president seemed to avoid her like the plague. She always made sure to sit a safe distance away from Monika, and could never hold eye contact with her for more than a few seconds. Given what had happened the day before... Monika didn't blame her.

After her little breakdown, she had awoken back in the classroom. The dim lighting drew her eyes to the window, where she confirmed it was indeed night time.

.. How long had she been there? Even now she wasn't sure.

 

At the moment, she stood somewhere in Sayori's neighborhood. She had been scouting for a nice place to put both Yuri and Natsuki's houses but came up empty-handed.

It came as an afterthought that even if she did make their houses, they would remain unused until Sayori or her transferred the Knowing. The two had no need for houses since they didn't exist outside of school, as depressing as that sounded. 

Here in the suburbs, it was much more somber and quiet than at school. The lack of NPCs besides Sayori residing there gave it an empty and abandoned feel. To ease her boredom, and starve off her uneasiness she had been talking to the player.

"Honestly... I'm thinking about giving up and placing the houses randomly." She sighed, rubbing her temples. She had been at this for a while now without any sign of Sayori showing up.

_..Well, if I was her I wouldn't come either._

In a fit of petty frustration, she kicked a rock, sending it skipping along the pavement.

 

_**Player:** hey cmon don't be like that. what did that rock do to you?_

 

Monika rolled her eyes. "Do you want me to apologize to it or something? By the way how long have we been looking now?"

 

_**Player:** yea. say sorry to rocky you fiend._

**_Player:_** _hmm let me check_

**_Player:_** _about 40 minutes i'd say?_

 

"..Rocky?" She gaped. "You're silly." Despite protesting, she stopped her tantrum on the poor rock anyway and glanced up at the overcast sky.  _Forty minutes.._ "Should I just call it a day? It looks like there's going to be a storm." The grey clouds looked at the very least uninviting, and the last thing she wanted to do was get trapped in the rain.

 

_**Player:** oh wow. I didn't even know it rained there. that's wild. _

**_Player:_** _how about we keep looking until it starts sprinkling?_

 

Monika shrugged until she realized the player couldn't see her and clarified further. "Sure why not. If I get wet though, I'm blaming you." She joked.

She neared the end of the sidewalk and turned right, seeing a nice open field.

_Maybe this could work?_

"Hey there's a bunch of space here, should I try putting one here?" She asked, observing the surrounding area.

 

_**Player:** how close to Sayoris house is it?_

 

Monika hummed, turning back to the direction of the vice presidents house. "Maybe a good.. couple of miles?" 

 

**_Player:_ ** _sounds great. itd be weird if they all lived together._

 

She nodded, opening up the file explorer and getting ready to start working. ".. Yeah. I'll keep that in mind when doing Yuri's."

 

_**Player:** speaking of Sayori, is she not coming?_

 

"I.. honestly don't know. She said she was but... I wouldn't put it past her if she doesn't come." Monika admitted. Sayori could have easily said yesterday that she would come just to appease her.

_...Yesterday?_

So much had happened yesterday that it almost felt like it happened weeks ago. ".. Say where were you after everyone left?" She asked trying to hide the accusation in her voice. It had been on her mind for a while now.. how come they didn't step in when things got particularly nasty between Sayori and her? They were for sure present, as they transferred back the president to Monika as soon as she asked, so what had happened?

 

_**Player:**.. I *was* there, and I did hear you two yelling, its just I was kind of out of the loop since I couldn't see .. did she hurt you?_

 

Monika shook her head. "N-Not really. She accidentally scratched me a bit, but besides that, she was Sayori through and through." She tried to hide her agitated tone as she rubbed the band-aids still covering her wrists. Why couldn't the other girl just get angry instead of being understanding? It would have made things so much easier for them both..

 

_**Player:** oh that mustve been what the bandages were for.._

**_Player:_ ** _even if I was there would you still have wanted me to step in?_

 

_What on earth sort of question is that?_ "Well, yeah obviously..  Why?" She rolled her eyes as she cleared and flattened the ground where the house was going to be. She fell silent as she worked, awaiting the context to the player's question.

 

_**Player:** you guys shared something important yesterday, and I didn't want to interrupt. that's all ^^_

 

_Something important...?_

 

"You and your weirdly cryptic responses." She sighed, kneeling down to feel the leveled dirt. "I think... It's ready." She rose back up to her feet and dusted her hands off on her jacket. "I was thinking we could do Natsuki's house first. See if you can find some photos online and save them to a file for me, or something." She had been thinking in class about what sort of houses would fit the two girls best before eventually deciding on a rough outline of what would later be their homes.

For Yuri, something grand and elegant, perhaps? A large house with many rooms to fit the countless collections she talked about having, and the many hobbies she loved doing. While it would be so easy to just decide to make a mansion, she was sure Yuri wouldn't appreciate that. Yuri was all about blending in, and she hated to stand out. The real challenge would be to make a nice spacious house while keeping the general mood Yuri preferred.

For Natsuki, something simple and comfortable. She didn't like overly complicated things, favoring more plain stuff. Unlike Yuri, Natsuki was easily satisfied. 

With all that known, Monika had decided to finish Natsuki's first due to it being easier to make.

 

**_... [ahouseidk.png Saved in MyPhotos] ..._ **

 

**_Player:_ ** _maybe something like this?_

 

Monika opened the file. It was a plain two-story house, yet the big windows and brick archway gave it a homey feel. "I can definitely make this.. probably." She began to render the infrastructure to the building, humming to herself as she did so.

"Ahaha... Now that I'm doing this for real, it occurred to me that I've never really built a house before." She glanced between the window of the opened up photo, and the frame she had set up. "I guess I'll have to figure it out along the way."

 

_**Player:** oh gee. I would offer to help you .._

**_Player:_** _but the whole coding thing is something I'm a little scared to touch_

 

"I'd imagine. I've been at this for so long, and I _still_ don't have the hang of it." She did improve somewhat during their time in the void room, but even then her skills were only practiced on small objects and minor changes, not things as large as houses. If they were all to become self-aware, and exist outside the game, they would need places to stay. Unfortunately, out of all of them, Monika was the only one with experience.

 

_**Player:** really? I think you've improved a lot since .. then _

 

Monika reluctantly agreed. "No glitches yet. That has to mean something, right?"

The walls and ceiling for the first floor were complete, for the most part; they had no detail, and there were holes in the place where windows and doors should've been. She would work on making it pretty later when the threat of an outpour wasn't hanging over her shoulders. She stepped inside the house and was instantly met with darkness.  _Mental note, put lights._

She went up the stairs and stood on the ceiling of the first floor, where she started on making the second. 

 

_**Player:** yes. thank god no glitches. it means freakin everything ;;_

 

 "Everything? What do you mean?" While she was aware of the .. _mishaps_ she had made in the past, sure they couldn't be that bad?

 

_**Player:** ahahaaa well_

**_Player:_** _I don't even know how to describe it honestly.._

 

Monika shook her head. "Be honest with me. Surely it couldn't have been too bad... right?"

 

_**Player:** well .. I'm not sure if you noticed the same glitches I did, but they were pretty terrifying. it really felt like a horror game after the .. "festival" day_

 

The festival had been the day Sayori died, if Monika didn't her dates messed up. While she herself didn't mind  _too_ much when the death happened, she wouldn't be surprised if a person who thought they were playing a romance game got scared upon seeing it. Then there was the messily executed deletion of Sayori from the game, which came with its own set of problems; the main character walking to school with a bunch of pixels, Yuri being the vice, Natsuki and Yuri fighting, etc. . She had tried to cover up the issues by editing textboxes and interrupting during fights between the two girls, but in reality, her fixes were more bandages than an actual solution to the problem. "Ah. I guess that makes sense. I didn't really have a hold on this whole programming thing back when I first started." Monika spoke. At the very least, she was glad she improved somewhat. It hurt her to think she frightened the player at some point with her actions.

 

_**Player:** that may be true, but look at you now! making houses and stuff! and I thought the piano was impressive_

 

Monika smiled, feeling comforted by the words. "If I didn't get better after all this time, that would've been embarrassing." She said as she measured where the rooms would go. "You liked the piano?" She paused in her work. It occurred to her that she seldom ever asked the player about small things like her piano playing.

 

_**Player:** yeah of course, it sounded amazing after all. do you still practice it?_

 

"..Well I haven't gotten the chance to play with all these things going on." She sheepishly admitted. "While I still have the one from the void room, you wouldn't be able to see me play.." 

 

_**Player:** True.. still, id love if you played one day_

 

Monika stood back, admiring her handiwork on the second floor. The house, while still very bare bones, was coming along nicely. "How about I put one in the club room someday?" She pondered aloud as she scaled the walls for any mistakes.

 

_**Player:** thatd be so awesome. music club!!!\_

 

Monika laughed at the thought. "I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who plays an instrument though." 

 

_**Player:** think abt it_

**_Player:_ ** _natsuki on drums, yuri on bass, protag on guitar, sayori singing  ..._

 

She shuddered. "Natsuki on  _drums?_ That just sounds dangerous. It'd be fun though.... maybe."  She stood still, feeling something wet hit her. "-Huh?" Monika turned to face the sky and was met with angry, swirling, black clouds, and more rain pelting her face. "Oh god- I didn't finish!" She panicked as it turned from drizzling to downpour in a matter of seconds. 

 

_**Player:** put the ceiling on if you cant leave !!_

 

Without a second thought, Monika quickly coded the ceiling in, shrouding the entire house in darkness and rain puddles.

"I guess I'm gonna be stuck in here for a while.." She sulked, 

She squinted at the dull light coming in through the holes where the windows were supposed to be. In the dim lighting, she could make out small flecks of water flying through the empty space. While she was trapped in, at least she could add in the windows and doors to stop any more rain from coming in. 

 

_**Player:** oh geez, are you alright??  you arent too wet are you?? ;; im so sorry_

 

 

Monika gulped and looked down at her drenched wet clothes. ".. Don't worry about it. It's not like you personally made it rain or something, and a little rain won't hurt me." As she placed the glass panes on the window holes, the rain stopped pelting the room. Once she finished, she went downstairs to survey the damage there. Overall it wasn't as bad as the second, nothing a mop couldn't fix. She repeated what the did with the top floor and put in the doors. "For now it's at least safe."

 

_**Player:** TT_TT ur so calm about this._

 

"Well, I've dealt with worse than rain." She chuckled, going through the files for already placed houses to observe how to place lighting in the building. She eventually settled on just copying the fixture and working it out later. 

 

[0010001001001010100010010100000100]

 

Not too long after, the house had working water and lighting, as well as the most basic things a house would need. "You know, I've got to say, this is pretty impressive." She said, flicking the light switch back and forth to test the lights. 

 

_**Player:** i wish i could see :(( natsukis gonna love this tho_

 

Monika grinned at the thought. "I hope so." She shivered at the clothes clinging to her skin and looked down to the water on the floor. "Guess I should get started on th-" Before she could finish her sentence, a loud banging came from the door. It was frantic and strong, making the hinges rattle against the door frame.

She froze like a deer trapped in headlights.  _Who could it be?_ On shaky legs, she neared the door and unlocked it, only for it to barge open. 

"Gosh! I thought I was going to  _die_ out there!" 

Monika looked at the intruder with widened eyes. "W-What is- Why are-" 

She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Sayori was standing in the new living room, soaked to the bone. The girl in question turned to meet Monika's shocked gaze. "I thought you weren't coming?"

Sayori huffed angrily, shaking her head. The movement caused beads of water to fly in all directions. How long had she been in the rain? "That's not it! You'd think the person that dragged you into this would at least keep you posted--I've been texting you nonstop to find out where you were, but you didn't even read them!" She stomped, clearly upset. 

"Y-You did?" Monika took out her phone from her blazer pocket and turned it on. 

 

_52 Messages from Sayori :)_

_14 Missed calls from Sayori :)_

_5 Voicemails from Sayori :)_

 

She paled at the sight. "I'm sorry, I rarely check my phone... I didn't know." She turned it off again, slipping it back into her pocket. "How did you even find this place?"

"Well I didn't at first- I was kind of just wandering around looking for you but then it started raining, and one thing led to another and I found this giant weird looking block thing," Sayori explained. "I guessed it was you since you were making houses, and you have.. different taste in design."

Monika gaped "Different taste in design? I'm not even finished! As you can see there were... complications." She gestured to the puddles on the floor around them. Sayori sighed at this. "I can see that. I'm not the only one with wet clothes. Is there a shower here or something?" Monika nodded. "Yeah. Second floor, first room to your right. Do you need extra clothes or something..?" "Um... That would be great, thank you." Sayori mumbled, somewhat embarrassed. 

"I'll put them outside the door," Monika noted, rubbing her neck tiredly as the other girl scampered up the stairs, eager to escape this odd conversation. 

 

_**Player:** who was that??????_

 

"Erm... Sayori's here now." Monika said, looking at the spot where Sayori had last been. 

 

_**Player:** OMG ! she actually came! can i talk to her?_

 

Monika frowned, a little apprehensive about the player talking to the club members.

 

"Why?"

 

_**Player:** shes on your side right? itd be good for us all to at least be on talking terms! plus itd look weird to her if you kept talking to yourself when you arent really_

 

"..I'm not a fan of the idea, but alright. Give me a moment." It couldn't hurt, right? Monika was unsure. Regardless, if she declined now it'd only look bad on her so she went along with the player's request.

Most likely it wouldn't be too hard, just some minor changes at the most, she figured.

Interestingly enough, in the end, Sayori did come. She would've even come earlier if it wasn't for Monika's incompetence. 

".. Here try it now. Write something. If you want to talk to me only, write it in parenthesis." 

 

_**Player:** (so she cant see this?)_

 

"Nope," Monika said, the silence from upstairs confirming it.

 

_**Player:** can she see this?_

 

Surely enough, loud shrieking was heard. "AHHHHHH!" Covering her ears and trying not to smile, Monika headed to where the bathroom was. "THERE'S A GHOST!" 

 

_**Player:** ok that was definitely not what i expected_

**_Player:_ ** _and im not a ghost wth !!_

 

Unfortunately, that didn't seem to help the situation, and Sayori's freaking out only continued. "Who's there!?" Came the slightly muffled voice from behind the bathroom door.

"Sayori?" Monika knocked gingerly and the door flew open, Sayori running out to hide behind Monika- or most likely to use her as a potential shield. "Monika there's something  _in there!"_ She whimpered, letting her trembling hands rest on Monika's shoulders.

"There's nothing there, I promise. It's just the player talking to you." Monika said in an attempt to console the scared girl.

"T-The player..?"

"Mhm. I made it so you can talk to them now. I probably should've let you know in advance..."  Monika explained. 

 

_**Player:** sorry for scaring you ;;_

 

"I-It's fine." Sayori stammered, still very much afraid. 

 

_**Player:** its nice to finally meet you ! even if it started out kind of bad_

 

Letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding and recovering quickly, the vice president relaxed upon realizing there was no danger. "It's nice to meet you too! Though could we have this conversation later..? 'Cause um.." She trailed off. Monika turned around to face the other girl but quickly covered her eyes once noticing Sayori was only in her underwear. "Sorry! W-Where are your clothes?" Monika stammered in embarrassment.

"Well I  _was_ going to take a shower, but then.. y'know." Sayori mumbled, face red. "Actually you know what! I'll go do that right now." She said before Monika could respond, slamming the door behind her.

Monika let her hand fall back to her side. "Well, that couldn't have gone worse.."

 

_**Player:** -_- she called me a ghost_

 

"I can  _still_ hear you both you know!" Sayori yelled from the bathroom. 

 

_**Player:** oops ! D: sorry. didnt mean to interrupt ur showering_

**_Player:_ ** _(............ she called me a ghost -______-)_

 

Monika laughed. "Yeah. I guess you do kind of give off that feeling." She quickly set out some clothes and a towel for Sayori at the door, and then headed downstairs to resume cleaning. She programmed a mop and bucket in the house and started to soak up the puddles with it. 

 

_**Player:** (I guess that'd be sort of cool. to be a ghost)_

**_Player:_ ** _(what are you doing now?)_

 

"Just cleaning up the mess of water. When Sayori came in, she tracked in more rain." Monika sighed, ready to scold the girl. It didn't help that she disliked cleaning in general. It wasn't that she was a messy person, she was more disorganized than anything else, but if she had to rank chores on a list, cleaning would surely be in the lower half. Despite that, she got it done, and the shine of the tiles almost made her want to beam back at them.

Sometime during the tidying up, the player had gone AFK to do some chores of their own, leaving Monika to entertain herself, and now that she was finished she found herself missing their company.

Exhausted, she sank down into a chair near a window and looked outside as she waited for Sayori. It was relaxing here; the trees swaying in the wind, the sheets of rain pouring down, the distant rumbling of thunder, the gloomy atmosphere. She would've taken a nap right then and there if Sayori didn't finish her shower.

Gentle thumps came down the stairs, but Monika paid it no mind until she heard her sit in the couch nearby. She turned and saw Sayori in her new clothes, haphazardly drying her hair with the towel. Monika was initially unsure of what Sayori would prefer to wear, so she offered a long-sleeved shirt and some shorts. The shirt itself had a graphic design of some TV show character that Monika couldn't recall, but even she knew the design wasn't supposed to be on Sayori's back.

"Sayori?" She asked cautiously. "Hm?" The other girl met Monika's eyes (briefly, it seemed she couldn't hold eye contact for more than a couple of seconds these days) as Monika gestured to her own shirt and pulled at the collar.

The vice president paused in her actions, dropping the towel in her lap and checking the inside of her shirt, eyes widening when she saw a tag. "O-Oh! I was trying to hurry. Oops." She pulled her arms inside the shirt and turned it the right way around, sticking her arms back out. "There we go." She announced, leaning back in the chair proudly.

After a couple of minutes passed, and it was established that Sayori was content with just letting her hair drip all over, Monika sighed, rising from her seat and walking over to behind the sofa where Sayori sat. "You're a mess, you didn't even dry your hair fully." She said, reaching over the other girl's shoulders to grab the towel. Sayori tensed, but reluctantly gave it anyways, and even straightened her back to give Monika better access. "..I'm the mess? You look like you got rained on too." The smaller girl mumbled. "And I haven't even mentioned the mess beneath all that rain."

Monika chose to not address the last part.

"..Er, well I didn't put the roof on at the time the storm started, and I got a bit wet on because of that. No big deal, it's mostly dried." Monika gently massaged Sayori's hair with the towel, humming as she dried the other girl's hair. Once the wet locks weren't dripping water anymore and her hair was only slightly damp, she sat down again, satisfied. Monika deleted the towel out of the world, seeing as they didn't exactly have a spot to hang it up at.. Sayori frowned as she did so, but stayed silent about it.

"Hmm.." Sayori eventually said, running a hand through her short hair. "So who's house is this? Or did you already mention that..?" She trailed off, scratching behind her ear.

Monika glanced about the sparse living room. "Well, you can't tell now since I'm not finished- But  _eventually_ it's going to be Natsuki's." 

"Natsuki's huh..?" Sayori stared up at the ceiling, eyes blurring out of focus. _Lost in thought maybe?_

 

  _ **Player:** back! is sayori out yet?_

 

"Sayori's here." Monika answered as Sayori let out an affirmative hum. "It's gonna take me a while to get used to that.."  The other girl mumbled, sheepishly.

 

_**Player:** oof sorry. its just when i first tried it out with monika she was fine with it from the start, _

 

"Well, Monika is.. special so that doesn't really count," Sayori said with crossed arms as Monika balked. "What do you mean?" If anyone was odd it was Sayori, not her! The girl in question eased up and even _laughed_ at Monika's shocked expression. "You can be a little weird from time to time. Though not as much compared to Yuri and Natsuki."

"Really? Give an example." Monika frowned, her stubborn side showing.

The vice present hummed as she scanned the room, her index finger on her bottom lip in thought. Her blue eyes glazed in every direction and over every object of the room before landing on her now corrected shirt. She pinched the fabric on each side and showed it to Monika. It was a cartoonish looking yellow.. mouse? Rabbit? Monika admittedly wasn't very familiar with pop culture, and it was obvious as she squinted at the shirt. It had round red cheeks and black eyes with a strangely shaped zigzag tail. "Who's this?" Sayori asked as she gestured with a tilt of her head down to the character. Monika gaped like a fish, her mind becoming blank. She could program entire houses and chat apps but not name a simple drawing? She decided to blurt the first thing that came to mind."

"Um... Spongebob Squarepants?" She said hesitantly. It made sense, they were both yellow, small, and annoying looking. 

 

_**Player:**  ....oh my god._

_**Player:** ur lying theres just. no way.. _

 

It must've not been the right answer as Sayori doubled over in laughter. "Alright, geez. What's his name then?" Monika slumped in defeat. 

 

_**Player:** pikachu....... where did u even get .. spongebob-_

**_Player:_ ** _pikachu isnt even square!!!! and he doesnt wear pants either!!_

 

The name was familiar, Natsuki would talk about him and the game he was from _(Pokmons?_ _Pokle dots?_..Monika couldn't remember) frequently. Sayori wiped her eyes, her other hand clutching her side. "If Natsuki heard you say that she'd die on the spot." 

"She probably would.. but how does this make me weird again?" Monika asked with a sigh.

"It's one of the most popular games." The vice president happily clarified, seemingly satisfied after making her point.

Well if it was a game, _of course,_ Monika wouldn't be familiar with it. Now that she realized it, the only game she every focused on.. was this one. "..Ah, well not everyone plays games Sayori." She eventually said.

"Maybe, but c'mon, the player knew it and I'm sure even Yuri does too... though probably only from Natsuki's ranting." The redhead giggled. "I think you'd like them. You seem like the kind of person to be good at that." 

"One day." Monika mumbled, rolling her eyes. She had no time for silly things like games when she had to work on her own.

 

_**Player:** one day my ass . _

**_Player:_ ** _i need to leave now cus its late but when i come back i swear im sending you a list of good games!_

 

_What have I got myself into..._ The president thought to herself before Sayori's voice brought her back to the present. "Bye! It was fun talking to you ghost guy." Sayori chirped.

 

_**Player:** ghost guy???_

**_Player:_ ** _see you sayori! make sure monika doesnt burn the house down_

 

Sayori laughed, nodding as she did so. Was today attack Monika day? The president rolled her eyes at the thought. "I'm sure it'll end up being the other way around. Goodbye though, See you tomorrow!"

 

_**Player:** :D bye bye!_

 

A small jingle played, indicating that the player had closed the game and was logged off. It seemed as soon as the player left a dense fog hung in the air, and both her and Sayori fell silent. The other girl was staring down at the floor, deep in thought.

_Well if she wants to stay here I'll get back to work I guess-_

Monika rose from her seat and was on her way upstairs until she felt a small tug on her blazer. The president froze and turned to look at Sayori, whose eyes were still downcast. "Hey, Monika? If there's a player for the game.." Her voice wavered slightly, and she paused as if finding the right words to say. Monika waited patiently.

".. Who's the protagonist?" 

Monika felt her mouth go dry. _She didn't know?_   The protagonist himself was her best friend and programmed love interest, and due to that, she doubted the redhead would take the news well. In the soft tone of voice Sayori spoke in, it almost gave Monika the feeling that the girl herself already knew. Almost.

"The protagonist is the friend you brought to the club." Monika admitted. There was no use hiding it when Sayori would find out some way or another. The sound of a bitter chuckle stunned Monika. "Of course it's him.." Sayori smiled, though if she was trying to hide her pain, she was doing a bad job at it. "Sayori... I-" Monika started, only to be cut off. "No, no. It's alright. It's just so weird, I guess if the player was controlling him, we were never really friends were we?" 

Monika wanted to comfort the vice president, but speech seemed to escape her. Instead, she bit her lower lip to keep herself from saying idiotic things. The last thing she wanted to do was make things worse.

_Wait.. "comfort"? Why should I care..?_

Sayori dried her eyes and stood up with a smile, though it was duller than usual. "Well enough sad stuff. How about we start decorating?"

"Yeah, that's probably best.." Monika agreed reluctantly, still oddly worried but would rather die than let it show. The house itself, besides the necessities, was still bare bones in regards to actually looking like a place to live in. "Is there a particular way you want it to look?" 

".. Well Natsuki's a fan of cute things and light colors, so maybe something with that?" Sayori suggested. Monika nodded, she could definitely work with that. 

 

[0010001001001010100010010100000100]

 

After hours of creating and moving furniture about, the girls had finally finished. It wasn't an easy task. According to Sayori, Monika was "bad at interior decorating", and having a neon green kitchen was "unacceptable". Nonetheless, they were able to finish near nighttime.  _I still think Natsuki would've appreciated the green kitchen but oh well._   Not everyone had great taste like her after all.

Currently, Monika was laying on the queen bed in the master bedroom while Sayori spun around on the nearby desk chair. A dull  _thud_ made Monika peer over the edge of the bed to find the source of the noise, only to find Sayori on the floor clutching her shoulder. "Ow! Why is the floor so hard!" The other girl whined as Monika reached out a hand to help her up. "You were the one spinning like crazy. Is your shoulder alright?"

Sayori took her hand and let out an  _"oof"_ as she was pulled onto the bed. She rolled onto her stomach and rubbed her shoulder tentatively. "Yup! Just landed on it." Monika nodded and allowed the conversation to fade into a pleasant silence- or it was silent until her rumbling stomach interrupted the quiet. Monika sat up with red cheeks. "Ah- sorry I forgot to eat before I started on this," Monika gestured to the house. Sayori only grinned. "I didn't know you  _could_ get hungry. Well, that's good, because I'm  _starving._ I'll go start something!" Before the taller girl could mull over the whole "hunger in video games" deal, Sayori had already disappeared down to the first floor.

Monika groaned and followed not shortly after. "Do you even know how to cook?" She asked, genuinely curious. Sayori was digging through the newly furnished cabinets, grabbing steel pots and setting them on the quartz counter. "Not as good as Natsuki, but she's taught me a lot." 

_.. Natsuki taught her huh? She really is close to them..-_

"Really? What are you going to make then?" 

Sayori pulled the sleeves of her shirt to her elbows and turned on the stove. "I don't know.. today seems like a curry kind of day though, is that fine with you?"

Monika had no issues. "Sounds good to me. Need help?" 

"Yeah, I need um-..ah-" Sayori pulled the drawers open in search for something. She rummaged through kitchen utensils before finally pulling out a small pink notebook and pen. She clicked the pen and flipped open to an empty page and started to jot a list. After finishing, she ripped the page out of the spiral binding and handed it to Monika.

It was a detailed ingredients list written in Sayori's big and girly handwriting. As her eyes took in every word, the redhead elaborated. "Since there are no supermarkets here, is there a way you can get these?" 

Monika shrugged and sat on one of the dining chairs to concentrate. "I'll try." She said, closing her eyes and readying herself to program once again. 

It ended up being rather simple and soon enough there were bags of food appearing on the dining table. She could hear Sayori fawning over the items as they materialized and rustling the thin plastic.

She expected Sayori to get used to the whole coding thing by now, but it seemed the girl was more in awe each time it happened. Monika went down the list, double checking that she had all of it as Sayori finished readying the stove. Seemly satisfied, the shorter girl nodded at the prep work and strolled over to Monika.

"Now that's over with- shoo!" "Wh-huh?" Monika found herself being quickly ushered out the door by the vice president. Once she was out the doorway, she turned around, looking for clarification.

"I can't risk having you burn down the house we worked so hard on! There's no ringer on the door- maybe you could get one on it in the meantime?" Sayori asked, hands on her hips.

Monika relented and put her hands up. "Fine, fine. It seems I've been kicked out of the kitchen. I can take a hint." She walked away, Sayori's chiming laughter ringing in the air.

She opened the front door and sat down on the porch, watching the rain drip down from the gutters. It wasn't so much of a porch than it was a slab of concrete below and above her with the dirt path made from the rest of the flattened area. The door drifted shut with a gentle  _twump_  from behind. 

In a way, it was soothing, and also sort of gross watching the water drop onto the ground to make mud. Monika busied herself with the fascination to distract herself from the thoughts running in her head.

There was no need for a doorbell, knocking worked just fine earlier. Monika knew that and she was sure as hell Sayori knew that as well. 

_I guess despite everything, she's still putting faces on._

It was a bitter thought, one that left a bad taste in Monika's mouth. It was odd. She shouldn't care about this girl- she drove her to hang herself for god's sake!

... Yet there they were, _building houses_ together, _cooking_... not together, building stupid doorbells...  _not_ building stupid doorbells ...

Monika sighed, dropping her face into her hands.

Just what was she doing?

...

The faint sensation of latex rubbed against her cheek and she lowered her right hand down to peer at the offender.

Darned Hello Kitty Band-aids.

Despite it being nearly a day, and one filled with hard work at that, they showed no signs of wear or tear. Through it all they were resilient.

"Just what are these things made of? Iron?" Monika muttered to herself, tracing the outlines of the bandages with her left hand. Even with all her harsh looks and words, the tiny cats just smiled back at her.

While Sayori did seem to smile often, at this point it was clearly a farce. Monika definitely wasn't expecting the girl to just drop everything and forgive her.. but it stung, and no denying could erase that. Whether it was due to devotion to the player, wanting to make up debt to Sayori, or soothe a guilty conscious she didn't know- but it was that unseen force that kept her glued to this porch, rather than just willing herself away.

With a sigh, she pushed herself back onto her feet and stretched. That doorbell wasn't going to make itself after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Tacenda  
> (n.) Things left better unsaid.
> 
> it just occurred to me that I never really explained why I do the chapter names the way I do, but the reality is I just like overly specific words haha  
> if you know any let me know ! I think theyre cool))
> 
> ...
> 
> This was the authors note that was supposed to be posted near February.. 
> 
> oh boy. Ehehe  
> I really thought I'd never finish this- but here we are 6 months later. So much has happened, mostly bad, and I'd open this up only to be met with dissapointment. I ended up just running away and pretending I never wrote this.
> 
> Fast foward to july, I was looking for top bookmarked Monika/Sayori fics to read and mines happened to be on the first page. The feeling when I saw it was indescribable- sadness, and maybe some sort of feeling of incompleteness
> 
> I reread it, not only finding a story left untold, and fun parts that made me smile ( lots of typos too but we dont talk about those lol!) but also the feeling of dissapointness when i realized i never posted past chapter 3.
> 
> In the end it was your comments that kept me going enough to finish this chapter.
> 
> Thanks for the support if you're still here! Im in a much better state now. I don't know if I can promise a speedy update, but I can promise that I've decided to finish this.
> 
> hopefully my weird explanations of code building are satisfying enough lol!
> 
> See you in the next one! <3
> 
> ((Ps. If you still wanna leave some weird ass words go ahead! Id love to hear them.))

**Author's Note:**

> Oneirataxia (n.)  
> The inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
> 
>  Hypophrenia (n.)  
> A vague feeling of sadness, seemingly without cause.
> 
> The sayori/monika tag didnt have the angsty slowburn fic i was looking for so i though "hey why not write it myself" . Leave a comment n tell me what you think!


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